Beyond Bitchy: Mastering The Art Of Boundaries

I don’t hear the term “TMI” (which stands for “too much information") much anymore, but it perfectly fits what we’ll be exploring in this episode. Some of us tend to share too much, while others tend not to share as much as we should. This episode includes a homework assignment you can complete after you listen that will help you figure out with whom and how much to share—using what I call the Zones of Intimacy and the Zones of Privacy.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #23: Sharing personal information with others can fall on a spectrum between sharing too much on one end, to not sharing enough on the other. How much personal information you should share depends on who you’re talking to, the context, and the type of information. Anonymous people or casual acquaintances you come into contact with in your everyday life don’t have a right to your personal information. However, the more intimate the relationship is, the more personal information we should share. To determine how much of your personal information

We all make mistakes or break a commitments from time to time—myself included. Just last week, I was supposed to release a podcast episode about women and boundaries, but it completely slipped my mind that it was the first episode of the month. When things like that happen, the key is to be accountable, plain and simple. Sometimes a simple apology is enough, but for higher-level broken agreements or boundary violations, you'll need a higher level of repair or amends. Tune into this episode to learn more!   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #22: When you hold someone accountable for breaking an agreement, most people respond by defending themselves, excusing their behavior, minimizing or rationalizing what they did, or telling you to “lighten up” or asking you "what's your problem?" The two primary reasons most people struggle to be accountable is that they either may have a wobbly sense self, or they know in their heart that they are out of integrity. You may be surprised to learn that when you hold someone acc

For most of us, the line between secrecy and privacy can get blurry. If you’ve ever wondered whether something is secret or private, you’re in good company! Most people struggle to tell the difference. Fortunately, there are three simple questions you can ask yourself to determine whether something is secret or private, whether it’s your own information or information someone else has withheld from you.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #21: Secret information is intentionally withheld for the purpose of avoiding consequences. In contrast, private information is intentionally withheld for the purpose of creating safety, or protecting yourself or another person. Depending on who you’re talking to, almost any of your own personal information is private. In general, the closer a person is to you, the more of your private information you will choose to share. Most of us tend to default toward one end of the continuum or the other. We're either prone to withholding information that should be shared with another pe

Do you have too much anger? Or not enough? If either of these are true for you, this episode will illuminate the many ways anger can be a gift. I’ll also explore the consequences of not expressing anger appropriately, and  teach you how to own your anger so that you can make it an ally.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #20: Most of us don’t have a good relationship with anger. We usually experience anger at the extremes, or we're afraid of it. When you have a healthy relationship with anger, it becomes a gift and an ally. We often think of emotions as good or bad based on how they make us—or others—feel. But emotions aren’t inherently good or bad. Anger is an emotion, and is therefore simply an experience, or reality. When it comes to not expressing anger appropriately, there are two options: too much, or not enough. Rage is an example of too much anger, or an unhealthy expression of anger. On the other end of the continuum, someone may fake a smile, pretend not to be angry, or refuse to express their true f

Today’s episode is all about what's called “offending from the victim position.” It's such a crucial concept to understand when it comes to healthy boundaries that I am dedicating this episode to Pia Mellody, who coined the term. I’ll go into depth to explain what offending from the victim position means, as well as why it’s so problematic. I’ll also share some tips to avoid this boundary-less and problematic behavior. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #19: To offend means to cause to feel upset, annoyed, or resentful. Therefore, it’s a subjective experience. When you see yourself as a victim, you feel less-than, your self-esteem goes down, and you may feel a sense of powerlessness, shame, or pain. Because these are such negative feelings, a common response for many is to attempt to get back at the person or situation that you see as the cause of your painful feelings. While it’s tempting to retaliate or take revenge as a way to get your power back when someone offends you, it is not a healthy expression of aut

Today’s title may sound cryptic and odd, but by the time you’ve listened to this episode, I promise you will totally get it! I'll cover what is called the "internal boundary" using a recent event from my own life that will help clarify exactly what the internal boundary is and how it works. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #18: The internal boundary is the boundary that all of us have—or should have. When you experience an event or situation, you filter that experience through your perception and judgments. You then decide what you think and how you feel, and decide want to do about what you’ve experienced—if anything. This is how the internal boundary works. When your internal boundary is solid, you respond rather than react. When you’re trying to decide what to do about an issue, take a moment to think about how important it is to you. Rate it on a scale of 1-10, and use that to help you decide. If you rate something as a 7 or higher, you probably need to respond in some way, rather than letting it go. High

I'm delighted to have Sheri Winston on the podcast today as my guest to talk about sexual boundaries! Sheri is a Wholistic Sexuality teacher and an award-winning author. In our conversation today, we’ll explore in-depth the topic of sexuality and boundaries, particularly for women—but also for men, and anyone in between. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #17: Far from being boring or bad, boundaries create freedom. If you have a hard time appreciating the benefits of boundaries, think about your skin: it’s a boundary that keeps out harmful things (like microbes), while letting in good things (like nourishing lotion), all while being flexible and moving with you. A process of checking in and scanning your energy centers starting with safety, then going to power, then going to thought and intuition can be applied to any boundary you want to set. The steps in communicating your sexual boundaries include checking in with yourself, being a good teacher of your boundaries, listening to what Sheri calls the Guardian a

When you take a moment to think about you, technology, and boundaries, don't you feel the guilt and pressure? Most of us have a love/hate relationship with technology, and struggle to create boundaries around tech. In this episode, I'll help you define your boundaries around technology and inspire you to own technology, rather than letting technology own you.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #16: When you hear the word “consumption” you probably think of food. In reality, you are consuming all of the time you are conscious and awake.  Here are some specific signs that you may have a problem with technology: You get online for a specific purpose, and realize later that you haven’t completed what you set out to do. You spend more time documenting what you’re doing and uploading it to social media than enjoying the moment. You use technology to procrastinate and avoid tasks or goals that need your attention. You're busy, but not productive. You feel out of control around technology. You realize that your use o

This is the fifth of a five-part series taking a deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. If you haven’t heard the episodes covering the first four steps, go back to Episode #10 and start there so that you can get a firm foundation for all five steps. Today, you’ll learn how to evaluate the results of your boundary work, and what to do if the boundary you attempted to set wasn't as successful as you had hoped. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #15: If the boundary you created as a result of working Steps 1-4 has been successful—even if it wasn’t 100% perfect—it's time to celebrate! If the boundary didn't turn out as you planned, or the person you established a boundary with broke an agreement, there are almost always more steps you can take. If your boundary didn’t work, ask yourself three questions: Did you follow through on what you committed to in Step 4? If you made a request of another person, was the agreement clear? Was the agreement broken, or was there a boundary violation?

After last week’s episode on the topic of women and boundaries, we’re returning to our deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. This episode will focus on Step 4: Taking Action. If you haven’t already heard the first three steps of the 5-SBS, go back and listen to Episodes #10-12. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #14: When you're planning what action to take, you need to know whether you have a contract (agreement) with another person, or whether it’s just an expectation. Mistaking expectations for agreements can lead to disappointment, frustration, or worse. Demands and requests are on a continuum. On one end, we get our needs met in a very passive way. At the other extreme we make demands. There’s a fine—but important—difference between a non-negotiable boundary, which expresses what you are going to do, and an ultimatum, which is a demand. When you want to make a request, there are best practices. First, choose a time when both of you are relatively calm and undistracted, and noti

The first episode of every month is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. Most women experience apprehension, fear, pushback, resistance, or even hostility when they attempt to establish or improve their boundaries. In this episode, I set the record straight about why it is absolutely not true that you are "putting up walls" when setting personal and relationship boundaries. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #13: Every time you set a boundary by saying “no,” you're saying “yes” to something else. Boundaries—and decisions of every kind—always involve this yes/no dynamic, or a limit/freedom dynamic. If everyone said “yes” when they meant “yes,” and said “no” when they meant “no,” you would know: what you (and other people) do and don’t want to spend time on. exactly where you stand with other people. what your intimate partner likes and wants, and what he/she doesn’t like or want. As surprising as it may sound, clear boundaries create deeper intimacy rather than putting up walls or creating more dist

Today you’ll learn about the third step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process, Identifying Your Power Center. (If you haven’t already heard the previous two episodes, I recommend listening to them first.) Most of us have a conflicted, or even negative, relationship with power. Step 3 is all about identifying your power center. Tune in to learn all about power: what it is, its negative and positive aspects, and how to use it as you are developing better personal and relationship boundaries. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #12: Power can be defined as the ability to do something or act in a particular way, or the capacity to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events. Power appears in three general ways along a continuum. On one extreme is power-over. On the other extreme is powerlessness. In the healthy middle is authentic personal power. Most of us default toward one end of this continuum. People who use power-over strategies often make demands or tell others what to do. People close

This episode covers Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. If you’re tuning in for the first time, I recommend going back to last week’s episode to work through Step 1 before you dive into this show! Step 2 is all about identifying your needs and creating a vision for the outcome you want, so that you can get your needs met. It’s important to remember that the outcome you envision needs to be specific, measurable, and clear. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #11: If you aren’t aware of what your needs are, or you're unclear on what outcome you want, it will be very difficult to get where you want to go, and you won’t be able to create a solution or boundary that meet your needs. A need is a quality or condition that is necessary or required. A common need in a relationship, for example, is honesty. If you feel discomfort, negative feelings, or pain, it could be a sign that you have a need that isn’t being met. The needs continuum runs from someone being anti-dependent, or needless and wantless on one e

Today and for the next four episodes, I’m going to take a deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. The first step, which is what I’ll be covering in this episode, is knowing and owning your reality. When you're working on any issue, you've got to start with knowing exactly what your reality is—what is true for you—and Step 1 will help you do just that. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #10: There are three parts to knowing your reality: identifying the data (or what happened), identifying what you think about the data, and identifying the emotions have as a result of what happened. When you own your reality, you fully face it, and you don't try to change or deny it. You may be challenged around knowing and owning your reality because you grew up in a family where there was deception or secrets. Or you may have been told  that you didn't really think or feel something that you in fact did, or your were excessively criticized about your choices or preferences. Many of us have the habit

In this episode, you’ll learn the basics of a boundary-setting process I created called the 5-Step Boundary Solution. The 5-Step Boundary Solution (5-SBS) is a step-by-step formula that walks you through the process of identifying, creating, and maintaining healthy and effective boundaries. Although the 5-SBS process can be useful for boundaries of all kinds, it was created and is intended for use in adult-adult relationships. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #9: The five steps of the 5-SBS are: Knowing and Owning Your Reality Identifying Your Needs & Creating Your vision Identifying your Power Center Creating and Implementing Your Action Plan Evaluating Your Results To know and own your reality, you need to identify three key things: the data (what you could record with a video camera), what you perceive or think about the data, and your emotions. There are four options in identifying your power center. First, you have the power to change the situation. Second, you can ask for help. Third, you can make

The first episode of each month is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. In this episode, we’ll dig into the topic of saying "no." I’ll talk about why "no" should be celebrated whether we’re saying it or others are they're saying it to us. We’ll also explore strategies and tools to help you avoid saying “yes” when you really want to say “no.” Biggest Takeaways From Episode #8: “No” is a complete sentence, and the ultimate boundary. It’s a hard stop, and is is a non-negotiable boundary. When it comes to sexual consent, a "no" from another person must be accepted. Period. In this episode we'll be focusing on garden variety, everyday "nos" rather than the more serious issue of sexual consent. Because women tend to be more collaborative in their problem-solving and conflict resolution in general, they generally struggle more to say “no” than men do. With that said, saying "no" gets easier the more you practice—you're flexing that figurative muscle. There are various reasons to celebrate the “no!” For e

If you’re worried about making mistakes when setting boundaries, this episode is for you! I’ll share the six most common mistakes people make when they’re getting started with boundary work. You’ll also learn helpful, easy-to-learn strategies for avoiding these mistakes so that you can take your boundary work to the next level. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #7: There are six common mistakes in setting boundaries: not understanding power by either underestimating or overestimating how much you have, confusing boundaries with demands, making unclear agreements which often set you up for disappointment or broken agreements, not being committed to the response you chose for broken agreements or boundary violations, not knowing what to do when a boundary doesn’t work, and using ultimatums instead of boundaries. Setting good boundaries isn’t the same as telling other people what to do. Boundaries build connections in the long term, but telling other people what to do isn’t relational, or a long-term, healthy stra

You’ll learn about the kind of responses or reactions you’re likely to encounter as you start setting or improving your boundaries. We’ll also talk about non-negotiable boundaries—what they are and how you go about establishing them. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #6: When you start setting boundaries, or changing existing ones, you should expect that you're going to get a range of negative responses or reactions. Responses can range from simple resistance or pushback all the way to hostility or even threats.  Guilt and shame are distinct emotions. Guilt is what you feel when you do something outside of your value system (such as stealing). Shame is more intense and involves embarrassment. Your response to other people’s reactions about your boundaries depends on their reaction. If someone freezes you out, do nothing and allow them to come back to you eventually. If someone pushes back, stick to your talking points, mirror back what they said, or say nothing. If someone is aggressive or violent, take a relat

I return to our look at foundations of good boundary work, after taking a slight detour last week to talk about women and boundaries. You’ll learn four signs that you might need to set a boundary: feeling anger, resentment (or victim-anger), out-of-control, overwhelmed, or getting feedback from other people that you’re overstepping limits or are a chronic boundary pusher. Recognizing these four signs, and assessing whether you want to set a boundary, is a great beginning to developing healthy, effective boundaries in every part of your life. Biggest Takeaways from Episode #5: You can’t control other people by creating boundaries for them, but you can create boundaries for yourself around you respond. My favorite definition of resentment comes from Pia Mellody: victim anger. When you feel resentful, it’s important to ask whether your boundaries have been violated. If not, then you’re not actually a victim. Taking on victimhood as an identity is disempowering and a losing strategy both individually and in rela

Every first episode of each month focuses on women and boundaries. Women are vulnerable in ways that men aren't, and the inherent power imbalances in society can contribute to women experiencing more boundary violations. I discuss why these imbalances exist, some of the inherent strengths women have and how those strengths can contribute to boundary challenges. I will devote the first episode of each month to the topic of women and boundaries—so be sure to tune in! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #4: Women have unique issues and topics to address when it comes to boundaries. My first episode of the month will be be dedicated to these women’s topics. Men, keep tuning in to better understand and navigate interactions with women. It’s problematic to claim to be racially color-blind or gender-blind, because this perspective bypasses important differences and ignores the reality of the way things are. We miss not only the specific challenges, but also the beauty of differences. Women deal with safety issues every