Beyond Bitchy: Mastering The Art Of Boundaries

Last week, I talked about the first two of the four essentials for mastering boundaries: “Who’s Got the Power?” and “Stinkin’ Thinkin’.” (If these don’t sound familiar, I recommend going back to listen to Episode 142.) This week, I’ll cover the third and fourth essentials: “Live and Let Live,” and “Change (So That I Can Feel Better).” But before we begin, I want to share a big announcement: this will be the final episode of the Beyond Bitchy podcast. This has been a productive and fulfilling season of my life, but it’s time to bring it to a close and let the next season begin. If you want to keep up with what I’m doing next, please visit and subscribe to my Radiant Threefold Path Blog or follow me on Facebook, Instagram or YouTube. Thank you for being part of this podcast journey!   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #143: Others have a right to live the way they want, just as you have a right to live your life in the way you want. If you don’t like someone else’s choices, your power is in how you choose to re

I’m lucky enough to have been able to give myself the gift of a 27-day sabbatical, which gave me so much clarity into both my personal and professional life. And now that I’m back, I’m inspired to offer some insight about the four common challenges I see across all sorts of boundary questions in various situations. I’ll cover the first two challenges today, and the third and fourth next week.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #142: Even if it’s only a few minutes a day, please carve out a few minutes a day for yourself. It’s important to give yourself the gift of time even if your life is incredibly full and busy. Most questions about boundaries, regardless of the specific details, center around four specific challenges:  Who’s Got the Power? Stinkin’ Thinkin’ Live and Let Live Change, So That I Can Feel Better There are essentially two kinds of power: “Power Over” and “Authentic Personal Power.” The first type is based in control and fear; we all need to strive for the second type. Stinkin’ Thinkin’ is th

People have a lot of misconceptions about boundaries. You may hear people say that boundaries are harsh, rigid, a punishment, or even selfish. Some people even believe that sharing boundaries is a way to control others or tell them what to do. Recently, I’ve heard another misconception: setting a boundary with someone is a sign that you disapprove of them. Tune in to learn why this isn’t the case, and how your boundaries are all about you.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #141: Whether you disapprove of someone isn’t the focus or the issue when you set a boundary. To focus on approval or disapproval is a deflection away from your limits. If someone’s first reaction to your choice to set a boundary is to accuse you of disapproving of them, they are simply expressing their opinion, and the may be acting without accountability. Your limits are about you and you alone. Boundaries are a form of self-care. They’re about taking care of yourself, not disapproving of someone else.   Highlights from Episode #141: We

Lately, have you noticed a sense of collective exhaustion, sadness, and impatience? Right now, it may feel like there’s not a lot to celebrate. This is especially true with the holidays coming up, since they're going to look much different than usual this year. With everything going on, you might feel like you want to quit, because what’s the point? If this resonates with you, it may be time for you to take a rest. Tune in to learn what this may look like for you. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #113: At this time, it’s normal to feel exhausted or depleted. When you feel like quitting something that has brought you joy or will bring you joy in the future, take the time to find ways to rest rather than quit. Quitting may look like anything from not putting up a tree or holiday decorations this year, dropping out of school, or leaving a relationship.  What’s causing you to want to quit? That may be the thing that you need to take a rest from. This may be watching the news—or even spending too much time thinking

At some point, all of us will have experiences that require us to focus our attention on ourselves in an intense way. For example, an advanced cancer diagnosis, an accident, or shocking news may require you to go into extreme self-care. This is the kind of self-care I’ve been practicing for the last several weeks, and why there was a gap between Episode #49 and #50. I’m so glad to be back! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #50: At certain points in our lives, each of us needs to go into what Vicki calls “emotional ICU.” This, she explains, is why there has been a gap between the last episode and this one — she has been in her own emotional ICU. If you tend to put others ahead of yourself and give too much, you might struggle with practicing extreme self-care when you need to. Here are some ideas for extreme self-care: delegate daily tasks that you usually do yourself (like cooking), temporarily neglect things that simply aren’t that important, set up an auto reply for your email, or take a step back from your o

Today’s episode is all about rest, rejuvenation, and boundaries, which absolutely relate to one another! I’ll explain why rest is so important and why it’s so difficult to unplug in our uber-connected, device saturated world. I’ll also give you some tips on how to truly rest and enter into states of being rather than doing, and why rest is crucial for health, creativity, and even productivity. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #31: To create spaces of time off—whether for a few hours or a few weeks—you must to create limits on multiple levels. We all need sleep, time away from work, and time away from devices and media. However, the mind feeds on being perpetually occupied and fixating on problems., Technology, social media, and devices make it difficult to exercise the discipline to unplug and rest. Rest, in all of its forms, is an important part of self-care. It’s also important for our creativity, and productivity, as well as connection with others and intimacy. When you decide to unplug and rest, ideally yo

Are you ready to trade your triangles for straight lines? Don’t worry, you’re not back in geometry class; this is actually related to the talking boundary. Triangulation is something that we do all the time, but we should all work toward straightening out those lines and practicing direct communication whenever possible. (There are a few notable exceptions, which I’ll also address in this episode.)   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #137: Triangulation describes a common but harmful form of communication. To understand it, think of a triangle pointing upward. Person A is at the point on top. Person B and Person C are at the other two points of the triangle. Triangulation happens when Person A goes to Person B to talk about (or try to get information to or from) Person C. The problem with triangulation is that it’s an indirect, ineffective, and often manipulative form of communication.  The solution is to avoid triangulation. You can do this by removing your side of the triangle, creating a straight line direct

People in your life may be facing a variety of dangers, from mental health issues or suicidal urges to addiction or unsafe behavior. But today, I’ll focus on a specific type of danger: physically or sexually abusive relationships. It’s painful to know (or suspect) that a loved one is in a relationship like this, but it’s also tough to know what to do. I’ll give you some specific advice on how to proceed—and what to avoid doing.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #136: Here are some things to do when your loved one is in an abusive relationship: Express concern and your willingness to help. Give them a way to alert you that you need to call the police or help them get out of the situation. Call the police if you know or have very good reason to believe that your loved one is in danger. Don’t hesitate; just do it! Send your loved one healing energy, thoughts, and/or prayers. Ask yourself whether what you’re planning to do might put this person in danger. There are also some things you should avoid doing in th

Before we start, I’d like to offer you a quick apology! You may not have been able to find the earliest episodes of the show because of a mistake in the podcast settings on the back end. That’s fixed now, and you should be able to access all of the episodes again. And now, onto today’s subject! If you have an ex, especially if you’re co-parenting with them, I’m guessing you’ve had a problem with your ex misbehaving. So what do you do? Tune in to find out!   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #135: Co-parenting children with an ex is always a challenge, but it’s harder when your ex has issues or misbehaves. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot that we can do about other people’s behavior. If your ex is doing unsafe things with your children (such as abuse or drunk driving), you will need to intervene in some way. These issues of safety are in a separate category from other misbehavior from your ex. Some things I recommend against doing include:  Bad-mouthing your ex to your children Trying to control anything about

Are you ready for the third part of my series on the talking boundary? This one is all about a specific process from the work of Pia Mellody: the Talking Format. This strategy is a roadmap around how to share information with another person, and is ideal for challenging conversations. If you’ve ever found yourself struggling with how to express yourself effectively in a difficult interpersonal situation, don’t miss this episode!   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #134: The Talking Format consists of three parts: Tell the other person about the data you observed to give a concrete example of the issue you’re raising. Explain what you thought, perceived, or made up based on the data. Share the emotions that you feel around the situation. When you’re using the Talking Format, make sure you have enough physical space to say what you want to say. Pay attention to what your body is telling you. The purpose of sharing is to be known and foster intimacy, not to blame, shame, control, criticize, or manipulate. If yo

If you haven’t heard last week’s episode yet, I recommend listening to that one too if you’re interested in this exploration of the talking boundary. In that episode, I covered what the talking boundary is, and what talking boundary violations look like. This time, I’ll move into what it looks like when you have a healthy, effective talking boundary. I’ll also share some questions to ask yourself to help ensure your talking boundary is in great shape.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #133: The first way to use a healthy talking boundary is to say what you would like or what you want, instead of saying what the other person did that you didn’t like. Another important way to use your talking boundary in a healthy way is to lead with agreement. Mastering your listening boundary will also help you develop a strong, healthy talking boundary. Here are some questions to ask yourself when you’re using the talking boundary:  Is the other person in a position to really hear me and take in what I’m saying? What respo

By special request, I’m doing a deeper dive into the talking boundary. I’ve mentioned this boundary in 25 episodes, but I’ve never gone into the level of depth that it deserves. When your talking boundary is functioning well, you express yourself in a healthy, relational way while sharing your authentic reality. You may be surprised by some examples of what talking boundary violations look like, so tune in to learn all about this important topic!   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #132: The talking boundary is the mindful, healthy filter between your thoughts and your words. At the extremes, a person has no filter and they say whatever comes to mind—or they don’t share anything. We’re aiming for somewhere in the middle. “Unbridled self-expression,” as Terry Real calls it, is not an example of a functional talking boundary. Neither is erring on the side of being only nice or pleasant with your words, regardless of your true feelings. When we get activated or triggered, we can lose the filter between our thought

Right now, in the United States, trauma is speaking. Prejudice and racism wounds, and are potentially traumatizing to anyone who experiences them. But listening to another person’s trauma is a challenging thing to do, especially if we perceive that we may have played a part in their experience — even when remaining silent or looking away. Let’s talk about how to listen when trauma speaks. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #93: The listening boundary is the most challenging boundary for most of us. When we feel at fault or like we’re being blamed for trauma, it takes the listening boundary to a whole new level.  Prejudice and racism are spread very much like the coronavirus; people who appear not to be infected can infect quite a few people, and the results can be deadly. What has happened since Mr. Floyd’s death is the result of centuries of oppression, discrimination, and systemic, institutionalized racism. Notice any urges you have to defend, explain, or make the other person feel better. This is usually a si

We’ve all been there: you say “yes” to a request or accept an invitation, then realize that it just doesn’t work for you. But are you allowed to change your mind even if you’ve already said yes? As counterintuitive as it might feel, the short answer is that you always have the right to change your mind. And if you think your situation is an exception to that rule, then this episode is for you!    Biggest Takeaways From Episode #130: You always have a right to change your mind, no matter what. This may not always be easy to do, but you have a right to do so every single time. If you’ve agreed to a request and now regret your answer and want to change it, you’re free to say something like, “I need to let you know that the agreement that I made with you no longer works for me.” When you’re renegotiating an agreement or changing a “yes” to a “no,” avoid accusations, judgments, or language like “that’s ridiculous.” This isn’t helpful and won’t bring you more connection.   Highlights from Episode #130: Welcome t

If you’ve ever encountered someone whose sexual energy seems like it’s just spilling out all around them, you already have an idea of what “leaky sexual energy” is. While it can be hard to pinpoint or define (and isn’t based simply on what clothes someone is wearing), you’ll generally be able to sense it when someone has leaky sexual energy. Tune in to learn more!   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #129: Boundaries have two functions: protecting yourself (and/or other people), and defining yourself physically, sexually, intellectually, and emotionally. In other words, the way a person presents themselves physically is an example of their boundaries. If a person has leaky sexual energy, they aren’t managing or "containing" their sexual energy in a healthy way. Keep in mind that your perception of someone else’s sexual energy is exactly that: your perception. As with any other thought or perception, I invite you to be curious about it.   Highlights from Episode #129: Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, i

Did you know that tuning into your body is a brilliant source of information about you and your emotions? It can even help you learn about the boundaries you may want to set. The first step is to notice when you feel emotions in your body, and then start identifying which physical sensations track to which emotions for you.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #128: Once you’ve noticed the signals from your body, you get to interpret them. You can download this emotions chart based on Pia Mellody’s work for some guidance. Anger, fear, emotional pain, love, and shame are some of the most common emotions, and they’re a great place to start as you’re figuring out how you physically feel emotions. If you feel anger or fear, you may need to set a boundary or express a limit. Pay attention to what your body is telling you, and ask yourself whether a boundary would fit the situation. Next time you have a noticeable physical reaction to an experience, take a moment to identify your sensations. From there, assess what em

From time to time, everyone struggles with biting the bait. And usually the people we feel most baited by are the people we care about the most. But there’s really no benefit to biting the bait, especially if we want to stay connected. Today, I’ll dig into what exactly bait is, and share 11 ways to avoid biting it. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #95: The dictionary definition of bait causes us to focus on the wrong thing in interpersonal reactions: the other person’s intent. Instead, think of bait as your internal experience to what another person says or does (or doesn’t say or do). The eight phrases that I shared in my episode on how to keep the peace during the holidays all work when you’re feeling baited. A fantastic all-purpose response is to simply say, “I hear you.”  A helpful response when you’re feeling baited is to repeat the other person’s statement or question. Another option is to amplify what the other person said if it was negative. Finally, humor can be one of the most effective strategies f

The next monthly boundaries clarifier workshop is coming up next Tuesday, March 23, 2021! Bring an issue or boundary, and we’ll all work on it together by using the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. But let’s get onto today’s topic: your responses to boundary issues and why self-care can be a far better choice than consequences. In fact, whenever you experience a boundary violation, I’d like to invite you to start by thinking about self-care. How can you get your needs met while taking care of yourself and your feelings?   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #126: It’s common to think about “consequences” (or even punishment) for broken agreements or boundary violations. But it can be more effective to think of your response to a broken agreement in terms of self-care instead. Imagine yourself in a scenario in which someone has violated an agreement or boundary. (My example is someone forgetting about shared plans, but you can use a different scenario if you prefer.) What would self-care look like in this scena

In case you haven’t already heard, I’m holding monthly boundaries clarifier workshops. At these events, we walk through the first four steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. Today’s episode was inspired by something that came up in the very first of these workshops: Step 3 (Identifying Your Power Center) is challenging for a lot of people. That’s why today’s episode is all about this step of the process, and how to decide between your four options. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #125: Identifying your power center is incredibly important. Getting it wrong can lead you to think that you don’t have the power to create your desired outcome, or you might believe that you have more power than you actually do. Even when you don’t have the power to create the outcome that you want, this doesn’t mean that you’re doomed. But keep in mind that “I want you to change” isn’t an option for an outcome. You have four options to decide between in terms of your ability to create the outcome you want: 1. I have the p

You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. This may feel hard to believe if you tend to immediately feel responsible and guilty when someone is upset with you (as many of us do!). Tune in to learn how to navigate situations where someone else is blaming you for their reaction or feelings, and why it’s so dangerous to believe that we are responsible.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #124: When you find yourself starting to take on the blame for someone being upset with you, start by asking yourself, “is it true that whenever someone is upset with me, I did something wrong?” Can you think of even one exception? Here’s a script you can use if you know that you tend to take on the blame when someone is upset with you: “Thanks for sharing your feelings with me. I need to take a couple hours (or minutes, or days) to think about what you shared, and then I’ll get back to you.” During the time you’re taking to think over the topic, assess whether you’re responsible for their feelings. Did you violate their