Beyond Bitchy: Mastering The Art Of Boundaries

At some point, all of us will have experiences that require us to focus our attention on ourselves in an intense way. For example, an advanced cancer diagnosis, an accident, or shocking news may require you to go into extreme self-care. This is the kind of self-care I’ve been practicing for the last several weeks, and why there was a gap between Episode #49 and #50. I’m so glad to be back! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #123: At certain points in our lives, each of us needs to go into what Vicki calls “emotional ICU.” This, she explains, is why there has been a gap between the last episode and this one — she has been in her own emotional ICU. If you tend to put others ahead of yourself and give too much, you might struggle with practicing extreme self-care when you need to. Here are some ideas for extreme self-care: delegate daily tasks that you usually do yourself (like cooking), temporarily neglect things that simply aren’t that important, set up an auto reply for your email, or take a step back from your

Lately, I’ve been focusing on the theme of “return to you.” And getting caught up in the belief that what other people do is about you can get in the way of returning to, or knowing, yourself. So I’d like to dedicate this episode to exploring the fact that what other people do is in fact about them, not you. If that idea sounds counterintuitive or hard to believe, I hope this episode will help explain why I believe so strongly that it’s true. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #122: While the title is just about what other people do, this also applies to what other people think, say, or feel. All of this is completely about them. Most of us struggle with understanding that it’s not about us—especially if the other person claims that it is. If you get this wrong and think that these things are about you, you’ll probably try to change. But this doesn’t work, no matter how much you try to twist or morph yourself into somebody else.   Highlights from Episode #122: Welcome to today’s episode, which is all about the

Sooner or later, every single one of us will feel manipulated by someone. That’s why this episode is for you, even if you don’t specifically have a grandmother who’s pushing your limits. Today I’ll cover some strategies to help you find solutions in these situations. One point that I can’t emphasize enough is how important it is to focus on what you want, instead of what you don’t like. Tune in to learn more, so you’ll be prepared next time you’re feeling manipulated.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #121: When you’re focusing on something you don’t want, it’s vital to know what you do want instead. Many of us struggle with developing this skill, but it’s definitely worth practicing. Just thinking about the solution can actually help you feel better! It’s helpful to start by viewing what you’re thinking (or making up) as a possibility, rather than the absolute Truth.  No one has the power to make you do anything. You are in control of what you do, say, and think. When you approach interactions with this know

In case you missed it last time, I have an exciting announcement! Next month (February 2021), I’ll be starting a brand new event: a monthly live, interactive boundary clarifier workshop. Sign up here to be the first to get updates! If someone is doing something that you don’t like in any of your relationships, this episode is for you. You may remember Episode 71, when I talked about the man cave. In response to that episode, I got a fascinating listener question, and that’s what I’ll be addressing today. And while your situation may not be exactly the same as the listener’s, I think you’ll find something to relate to in her question and my answer.    Biggest Takeaways From Episode #120: Even during the pandemic, today’s topic is still relevant. You can miss someone and feel lonely even when you’re together—for example, if your partner is glued to their phone all the time. When we’re experiencing something unpleasant with another person, we tend to focus on the unpleasant experience or the other person’s beha

There's been a lot of talk recently about free speech—specifically, news stories about a somewhat infamous media figure who was banned from several major social media sites. It got me to thinking about the limits of free speech, which is all about boundaries. In this episode I'll talk about why boundaries have a lot to do with free speech, as well as how freedom of speech operates in both physical and virtual space. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #28: Although each of us is free to say or do whatever we want, freedom to do what we want also comes with certain consequences—positive, neutral, or negative. Boundaries create limits, but they also create space. The amount of space a boundary creates has a lot to do with the limit that is created. For example, if you put a fence around your property, you’re creating a clear limit, but you’re also creating more private space that can only be accessed by you. Free speech is determined by who controls the space where speech occurs. Whoever owns or controls a space ge

Before we get into the main part of this episode, I have a big announcement! Starting in February, I’ll be offering monthly workshops to support you as you work your way through the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. Sign up for workshop updates and more details using this link! The idea of calibration is a hugely important one when you’re doing boundary work. This scale for what is standard or normal affects so many parts of our lives, from our initial reactions to people all the way to who we choose to date or to partner with. But just because you’re calibrated in a certain way regarding boundaries, it doesn’t mean you’re fated to stay there forever. You can change your calibration in a positive way, and this episode will help you get started.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #118: The calibration we receive as children has many consequences over our lives. We are calibrated by our family around our own boundaries. For example, if we grow up in a boundary-less family, that will feel like "the norm" or stand

Happy holidays! This is the final episode for this year, but I’ll have some exciting news exclusively for listeners next year, and I’m looking forward to sharing that with you. For now, let’s talk about the connecting power of boundaries—because they do actually create connection, despite their bad reputation! I’d also like to invite you to reflect on the ways that you want to be more in alignment with yourself, which is one of the best ways to create more connection with others.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #117: There’s a misconception that boundaries are harsh or rigid, or that they create disconnection. This bad rap usually comes from the people who are on the receiving end! Boundaries can actually lead to connection, sometimes in surprising ways. Setting boundaries with ourselves in terms of how we respond is one of the ways that boundaries can help us connect. When you create a limit with another person and they honor your boundary, that actually creates connection. This can happen in a parent/adul

People tend to see their situations as special or unique, when in reality, that’s not the case most of the time. But we often get tripped up around exceptionalism when it comes to our boundaries. There are two common “unique snowflake” traps that we all fall into, and I’ll dig into both of them today. Remember that even though your situation may feel exceptional, the principles of the boundary work involved are the same.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #116: The “unique snowflake trap” is the belief that there’s something unique about your situation that makes your boundary challenge or question unique or different from the standard principles. A common example of this is believing that boundaries are different with different people. In fact, boundaries with family members work exactly the same way as they do with other people. You still get to decide how you want to respond. Another common example sounds something like, “You just don’t understand. This person is different.” While this may feel true, the 5-

When you get triggered, is the person who you got triggered by responsible? And what does this have to do with boundaries? Today’s episode will dig into these important questions. If you’re a long-time listener, you may have guessed that triggers are related to the listening boundary, which is the most difficult of the four primary boundaries. Tune in to learn about triggers, boundaries, and how to respond when you feel triggered. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #78: Triggers are individual and unique to each person, and the possible ways to be triggered are almost endless. Thoughts create emotions, but emotions can also create thoughts. Each of us has emotions just underneath the surface waiting for something in the external world that will activate or stimulate them. You have a right to your opinion, to express yourself, and to ask someone to do something differently if you’re triggered. However, the other person isn’t responsible for your trigger, and they aren’t obligated to change so you won’t be trigger

Happy Thanksgiving! This episode is coming out just in time to help you navigate the complexities of holidays in the time of COVID-19 (although the points about safety are always relevant). As we explore this new complex landscape, let's take some time to talk about boundaries, agreements, and the freedom to choose.    Biggest Takeaways From Episode #114: When you hear words like “let” or “made” (in the sense of “making” someone do something), they often indicate that the person using them doesn’t fully understand how boundaries work. If you make a request and someone else freely agrees, no one is being “made” to do anything. And the act of making a request isn’t controlling, because it recognizes the freedom that the other person has to make their own decisions. During the pandemic, we’re faced with many dilemmas as we navigate what to do based on what the people around us are doing (or not doing).  Remember that you get to decide what’s best for you, and for the people in your care. Other people also get t

Lately, have you noticed a sense of collective exhaustion, sadness, and impatience? Right now, it may feel like there’s not a lot to celebrate. This is especially true with the holidays coming up, since they're going to look much different than usual this year. With everything going on, you might feel like you want to quit, because what’s the point? If this resonates with you, it may be time for you to take a rest. Tune in to learn what this may look like for you.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #113: At this time, it’s normal to feel exhausted or depleted. When you feel like quitting something that has brought you joy or will bring you joy in the future, take the time to find ways to rest rather than quit. Quitting may look like anything from not putting up a tree or holiday decorations this year, dropping out of school, or leaving a relationship.  What’s causing you to want to quit? That may be the thing that you need to take a rest from. This may be watching the news—or even spending too much time thinki

Have you ever disliked the spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, or date of someone you’re close to? Or wondered what your friend or relative sees in that person? Most of us have been there, struggling to understand how someone we care about can fall for (or even seem bewitched by) someone who we find deeply off-putting. Tune in to learn some important questions to ask yourself when you’re in this situation.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #112: It’s not uncommon to hear someone say that another person's partner (often a man’s wife or girlfriend) “made him” or “wouldn’t let him” do something. This is a distortion, and disempowering to the person you’re talking about. Almost always, they’re freely choosing to do whatever they're doing. If you think someone is being uncharacteristically submissive in a relationship, ask yourself whose business that is. Some people don’t mind—or even really like—to be submissive in a relationship. When your friend or loved one is involved with someone truly dangerous or toxic, it’s

If you’ve ever gotten into an argument with someone else about the reality of a certain situation, or what “really happened,” this episode is for you. The fact is that your reality is what is true for you in the moment, and someone else having a different reality doesn’t mean that yours, or theirs, is either “correct” or “wrong.” Tune in to learn why it’s okay to disagree about reality, and why (as Terry Real says) there is no place for objective reality in relationships.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #111: It’s very common for two people to experience the same situation or event very differently, and come away with different thoughts, emotions, or experiences. In the end, your reality is the only reality that you truly need—and it’s the only one you can have. This doesn’t mean that another person’s reality doesn’t matter, but you don’t need to come to an agreement about which one is “true” or “correct.” In a relationship, two people can share their realities with each other, and may or may not come to an

I’ve definitely felt left out, forgotten, or excluded… and I’m guessing you have, too. This episode, which was inspired by a listener’s question, is about what to do when you feel that way. I’ll do things a little differently this time! Using the question as a foundation, I’ll walk you through the 5-Step Boundary Solution Process. (Follow along with the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier.)   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #110: Trying to figure out the “why” of someone who makes you feel left out is generally a distraction and a waste of time. You can only get the answer by asking them, and they may or may not tell the truth. There are two options for how to stop the sort of situation that the listener has described: try to get the other person to change, or make your own changes. People don’t “make” us feel left out (or anything else). Instead, it’s our own thoughts about the data that make us feel a certain way. In this situation of feeling left out, you have two options for taking action: limit or stop co

The reality is that we violate other people’s boundaries all the time, and tell ourselves that we have a right to do it. But is that true? Is it ever okay to violate someone else’s boundaries? You may already know the answer as soon as you hear the question, but there are a lot of nuances to this complex topic, so we’ll take a deep dive into it.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #109: If you have an agreement with another person about something that’s usually a boundary, such as an open phone policy between partners, it’s not a boundary violation. Each of us has a right to our bodies and our physical belongings (such as our phones, computers, or journals). We cannot control other people. If you try to control another person, you damage connection and intimacy. If you’re tempted to violate someone’s boundaries, be honest with yourself about what you’re really concerned about. Remember that other people are free to make their own choices—even if they are poor, unhealthy, or self-destructive choices. How will yo

We’ve all been there: you’ve said “yes” to something, and then later changed your mind or realized that it’s not a fit for you. So what do you do? Are you obligated to follow through with your initial answer, or are you allowed to change your mind? (If you’ve read the title of the episode, you already know the answer!) Let’s talk about how to handle this situation, and how to navigate it gracefully. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #108: While this episode was inspired by a question about wedding invitations, the answer applies to all sorts of topics. You might experience this desire to shift from a “yes” to a “no” after saying you would help someone with something, or go to dinner, an event, or someone’s house, for example. You always get to change your mind. However, there may be consequences. People will have their feelings about your choice to change your mind or not follow through. Would you rather feel briefly uncomfortable by changing your “yes” to a “no,” or would you rather spend time following throug

So many people struggle to speak up or make a request to get their needs or wants met, so I tell you all the time that you can ask anyone for anything. But just as you have the freedom to ask, the other person has the freedom to say “no” if they so choose. (They can also say “yes” or negotiate a different agreement with you.) An email I received recently is a perfect example of both this freedom to ask, and the freedom to decline. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #107: It’s better to ask and get a “no” than to just not ask. Often, people will even be happy or excited to be able to do something for you. When you ask someone for something, the other person is completely free to say either “yes” or “no”—or to negotiate another agreement. A recent email inspired this episode, and gives me the opportunity to demonstrate how to receive a request and how to say “no” if the request doesn't work for you. Highlights from Episode #107: Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode, and explains the inspiration for today’s to

Have you ever felt disrespected by what someone chose to wear (or not wear) around you, your romantic partner, or other loved ones? And what should you do when someone else’s attire makes you feel uncomfortable? The sometimes-difficult truth is that you don’t control what other people wear, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have any options. Tune in to learn about your choices in this situation, and what’s within your circle of control.   Biggest Takeaways From Episode #106: We have complete power over the limits that we are able to create for ourselves. For example, if you decide that you want to live separately from another person, the only way to guarantee that will happen is for you to move somewhere else. If something requires the participation of another person, it’s not generally within your circle of control. The only power that you have to change another person’s behavior or get them to do something is to make a request. That other person then needs to agree to your request. As hard as it can be to ac

Almost all of us are struggling with the new landscape of our jobs right now. And in this sudden reality of working from home, it can be a challenge to set healthy work boundaries. Without the separation between home and office, you might be finding yourself working longer hours or feeling like you’re constantly on call. Tune in to learn how to establish healthy work boundaries and avoid letting “quarantine work creep” take over your life. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #105: Get started in managing quarantine work creep by figuring your employer’s expectations of you in terms of availability, communication, and job description. If you’re not sure or anything is unclear, ask! We train other people how to treat us. If your behavior is at odds with what you say about your availability, you’re demonstrating that you are available even during times you said you weren't. If you’re working on something and really want to finish it, there are some specific steps you can take to make sure your extra work isn’t taken

If you’ve started using boundaries to try to control other people, congratulations! Your boundary skills are likely improving, and you have some knowledge of boundaries. That’s the good news. Now, the bad news: using boundaries to control isn’t a relational strategy, and leads to a loss of intimacy and connection. Plus, when we use boundaries to control, we miss a great learning opportunity to figure out what’s inside (and what’s outside) of our own circle of control. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #104: For most people, the idea of boundaries as controlling doesn’t come as a surprise. There are absolutely times and ways that boundaries can be used as control.  If you’re not being honest with yourself, it’s easy to say that you’re setting boundaries for your own protection when you’re actually using them to control. Making a request can be a subtle way to get another person to act differently around something that is not vital to the health or safety of the relationship, or a way to tell another person what