Meditate Awake

Today, while everyone’s talking about love and romance and sex, let’s talk about…sex. Last year, a team of psychologists in the Netherlands highlighted a common issue faced by men when it comes to sex. They found that men who had a negative perception of their own body and were self-conscious about certain parts of their physicality experienced sexual dissatisfaction. A likely reason for this is that men who are self-conscious during sex find it hard to focus and lose themselves in the experience. They’re distracted, worrying what their partner thinks or overwhelmed by feelings of not being attractive enough, or not being good enough. The researchers conclusion was that improving male body image would also improve their sexual satisfaction — making it a more enjoyable and liberating experience.

The definition of success: ‘the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.’ So success doesn’t really mean having a big house, an expensive car, or even being respected as an expert in your field. Those things could be your version of success, of course — but the point is that success is not just one thing. Success is the accomplishment of your aims. Your purpose. Which means that success is available to you every day — no matter what you’re aiming for. Experts in career coaching recommend setting both short-term and long-term goals to motivate you and create regular successes in your working life and in your personal life. Why? Because a regular experience of success, no matter how seemingly insignificant, means you’re less likely to feel disillusioned and give up on your ultimate purpose.

They say “choose a job you’ll love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.” But…that’s not exactly true. Actually, the lived reality of many people who choose to follow their dreams is…no boundaries between work and personal life. An inability to switch off and relax. Working more hours each week that most people are even awake. And so on — leading to exhaustion and even burnout. If you’re following your dreams and building a career based on genuine passion, that’s amazing. But remember that loving your job doesn’t mean it’s healthy to work all the time. So work on these things, too: balance. Downtime. Rest. Meditation. Self awareness. And work on saying no on those occasions when saying yes might just tip you over the edge.

A new study published in the journal Men and Masculinities says that young heterosexual men get more emotional satisfaction and fulfillment from their close friendships with other men than they get from relationships with girlfriends. As society’s taboo on close male friendships begins to lift, men are enjoying more open and supportive relationships with their peers. This kind of friendship is what we call a ‘bromance’ - the kind of friendship where usual man-to-man boundaries don’t exist, and men feel free to share secrets and openly appreciate each other. The study surveyed second year college students and found that participants felt less judged by male friends than by girlfriends, and less pressure to be conventionally ‘manly’.

YOUR SLEEP Do you dream in color? According to self-reporting studies, around 12% of people dream only in black and white. As dreams are so difficult to measure, it’s hard for researchers to figure exactly why that might be. But a study published in 2008 found that almost no people under the age of 25 reported black and white dreams. This led scientists to suggest that the cause could be connected to the older generation’s exposure to black and white TV. And in fact, going back to the 1940s, three quarters of Americans of all ages said they rarely or never saw any color in their dreams. Which strengthens the theory that what we watch on TV has a direct impact on what we see in our minds when we’re asleep.

Imagine: you are sitting on a boat, alone, in the middle of a vast lake. It’s evening; darkness is falling around you. You are completely safe. And completely peaceful. You notice the way your breath travels through your lungs as you sit still. You feel the gentle movement of water beneath you — slow, unhurried, soothing. Clarity overcomes you. You are on the world. Floating on a body of water on an incredible planet. Everything you need is around you. The gentle changing of light as day gives way to night. A soft breeze; the sight of trees resting firm at the water’s edge, some distance away. Above you, the moon faintly glimmers into sight. You are connected to the planet and connected to the beat of your heart. You are here: right now.

Stress has a habit of piling up. Something that would usually only be a little bit stressful becomes incredibly stressful when you’re already stressed. And the more stressed you get, the harder it is to engage with those activities — like exercise and socializing — that lower stress hormones. But psychologist Barbara Fredrickson shares good news: brief bursts of happiness, laughter, contentment and gratitude can build up our resilience to stress. That means that little things like having a quick coffee with an old friend, listening to a favorite comedian or having a moment of appreciation — all things that are quick and easy to do every day — can have lasting benefits. In other words, those little things you include in your day that give you a sense of immediate happiness are not frivolous. They are worthwhile. They could protect your mental health for years to come.

The Okinawa islands in Japan has the longest living population in the world. Unsurprisingly, researchers around the globe are interested in this - so why are people from Okinawa more likely to live to 100 than anyone else? It's got a lot to do with diet. The average person's diet in Okinawa is high in whole grains and vegetables, and relatively high in fish and soy proteins as well as seaweed. Not only that, but the most commonly used vegetables in the region are high in flavonoids, vitamin E and carotenoids. This balance provides the human body with excellent nourishment and immune support - so Okinawa has a low rate of a wide range of diseases that are common elsewhere in the world, including heart disease, cancer and arteriosclerosis.

Norman Vincent Peale said “the trouble with most of us is that we'd rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.” Isn’t that true? If we have the choice to listen to someone who thinks we’re completely perfect and only says positive things about us, or someone who can see our limitations and isn’t afraid to tell us where we’re letting ourselves down…well, most of us would rather hear the good stuff. But criticism could be the greatest gift anyone could give us. It highlights those things about ourselves or our work that we might not be able to see — or might not be willing to acknowledge. It tells us how we could do better. Which means that changing our perspective on criticism so that we can welcome it, rather than hide from it, will allow us to grow in ways we couldn’t have imagined on our own.

Mindset researchers Nussbaum and Dweck wanted to find out what kind of feedback people seek after a struggle. They set up a study in which they asked participants to take a difficult test — and then they told the participants that they’d done badly. Immediately afterwards, everyone was offered a choice: they could either look at the tests of people who had done worse than them, or look at the tests of people who had done better. You might remember that we’ve talked about the growth mindset and the fixed mindset before; and the results of this study were clear. People with a fixed mindset asked to see the tests of people who had done worse, and those with a growth mindset wanted to look at the tests of those who had done better. So a fixed mindset motivates you to seek consolation and validation; but a growth mindset makes you want to learn.

Have you heard of the vagus nerve? And did you know that it plays an important role in our ability to connect with other people? The vagus nerve is the longest nerve in the human body’s autonomic nervous system. We’ve known for a long time that it influences the function of the body’s vital organs. But in recent years, intriguing new research has shown that this nerve also has an impact on human connection. In a report published in the journal Psychological Science, researchers explain that the physiological activation of the vagus nerve is associated with compassion. Even a brief touch from another person can interact with the nerve to trigger a positive, compassionate response. So the way you interact on a physical level with those close to you can change the emotional relationship you have with one another. It's all about touch.

In 2015, a group of sleep researchers conducted a study on 62 healthy men and women. The participants were randomly subjected to three different experimental conditions: being forced to wake up during the night; going to bed late; and uninterrupted sleep. The results show that an interrupted night’s sleep is worse than a short night’s sleep. The study’s lead researcher, Patrick Finan Ph.D. explains that disrupted sleep prevents you from progressing through the sleep stages. That means if you wake up at intervals during the night you don’t get enough deep, slow-wave sleep — the kind that makes you feel rested and restored. So setting the conditions for peaceful and uninterrupted sleep is actually more important than trying to go to bed early and sleeping longer hours.

Yoga Master T.K.V. Desikachar said “Whenever you are in doubt, it is best to pause. Few things are so pressing that they cannot wait for a moment of breath.” Today, notice doubt. Don’t be scared of it. Indecision holds potential for change — because if you don’t already know what to do, you can learn. Become consciously aware of those moments when you experience a sense of doubt; whether you’re doubtful about something big, or just not sure which sandwich you want for lunch. And when you notice doubt, pause. Don’t rush to get beyond it. Allow it to exist and focus your awareness on it. A brief pause a few steady breaths are often all you need in order to access the deeper wisdom within. You might discover answers you’d never considered before.

When was the last time you did something…ridiculous? Studies show that humor and laughter have an instantaneous impact on stress levels. And this can lead to long term improvements in mental and physical health. In the 1960s, a man named Norman Cousins even used laughter and humor to self-treat a degenerative disease — he had been given a prognosis of only a few months to live, but by using positive emotions to create positive physiological responses he lived for another 25 years. The lesson here is simply not to take yourself too seriously. Go out, be weird, and laugh. Fill your life with brilliant strangeness and do those things that you think you’re too old to do. We’ve convinced ourselves that growing up means being sensible. But…why?

Think about the characteristics of the people you know who have achieved — and continue to maintain — their fitness goals. Take Simeon Panda. He’s a global fitness professional and entrepreneur who has turned his passion for training into a lifestyle and a career. The thing that draws people to him and the thing that allow him to train with such dedication are the same: positivity and motivation. He approaches everything he does with the certainty that he can do it. And so he does it. You can use this for your own journey with fitness. If you know you can succeed and create the physique and health that you strive for, you can. That’s not to say that everyone has their own physical limitations and unique anatomy — but the only thing stopping you from training your body is you.

Ray Dalio, a successful investor named the richest person in Connecticut in 2018, points out that we often think a risk is…well, riskier, than it really is. Instead of being the actual risk that holds us back, he says it’s the limitations we place on ourselves that confine us most tightly. People with a high risk tolerance usually discover that the chances they’re taking are less precarious than they first thought. In other words, people who are willing to take the risk are rewarded by the realization that the hardest part was taking that first leap. Career success is so closely related with mindset that simply altering your understanding of what risk is can make all the difference to your trajectory through life. Do not limit yourself with fear.

It’s easier to keep promises to other people than it is to keep promises to yourself. Why? Partly because when you promise something to someone else, they hold you accountable. Your sense of commitment overrides procrastination, laziness and personal insecurity. You have to do the thing because you said you’d do the thing. You can make this kind of accountability mindset work in a way that helps you keep your promises to yourself. Did you decide this would be the month that you’d workout every day? Promised yourself you’d write that book or launch that website? Create a sense of accountability by writing your promises down and telling other people about them. And don’t tell that sweet friend who you know will let you off the hook — tell your brother or sister or that friend with extremely high expectations of you. The person you know will call you out on your excuses.

Male bodies in the mainstream media are…confusing. Our bodies are less sexualized and less criticized than female bodies, and yet still sexualized and criticized a lot. And at the same time there are less messages out there encouraging us to love our bodies — to appreciate them for what they are, and not to buy into false perceptions of how we should and shouldn’t look. Does it go against your masculine instincts to appreciate and love your body? Do you have a tendency to push and punish and force? That’s fine, to a degree. But if you can bring it into balance and appreciate as much as you push; love as much as you challenge and train; and accept that your body will change with the seasons, with external stressors and influences; then those hours of pushing will be for personal improvement and not personal punishment.

Yesterday we touched on taking care of yourself to stop short term stressors leading to poor health in the long term. So today we’re giving you a simple meditation exercise for stress relief that you can integrate into almost any moment in the day. Sit down on a chair. Shift your weight into your seat bones and feel grounded and heavy and solid. Allow your feet to become lighter and lighter — until they float up away from the ground. Hold here and notice the way your muscles contract and shift and pull to keep your feet away from the ground. And then shift the weight forwards and let your feet float to touch the ground again. Notice the connection between feet and floor — how it feels. How the muscles change. And repeat as many times as you wish. This can be a really subtle practice to play with, even when there are other people around — taking the feet an inch off the ground is as effective as lifting them higher.

You’ve probably heard someone say “never go to bed angry”. And it’s very good advice. When we’re in the midst of a conflict, our bodies are flooded with hormones — in particular, the stress hormone cortisol. If you go to bed without reducing your cortisol levels your sleep will suffer and you’ll wake up in the morning feeling stressed and tired. It won’t be a restful night’s sleep! To balance cortisol production you need a healthy dose of oxytocin — the powerful love hormone that strengthens human relationships and makes us feel safe and content. Oxytocin is released when you have a loving interaction with another person or when you feel comfortable and relaxed. So resolve the conflict, give your partner a hug, or do something that gets you into a loving state of mind. You’ll sleep well and function much better tomorrow!