It's About Hurting

Our best Star Trek episode since the last Star Trek episode is here! We watched the TNG Star Trek movie with the purple space bazooka this time. The one where Jonathan Frakes (NUMBER 1) was dutifully oiled up immediately before acting AND directing. It was moderately more entertaining than any given Star Trek Voyager episode, so by general entertainment standards, it was a depressing slog. Here at the Unwanted Epilogue, we wear our love for Star Trek on our ill-fitting uniformed sleeves, but even we find it difficult to look for things to love in this feature length TNG film where Data loses his mind and gets kinda nutty with it (for the 80th time), Warf fires a purple space bazooka at CGI drones and goes through puberty, and Picard experiences true love in a single moment while watching some lady get pummeled to death by falling rocks. I guess what we're trying to say is it was better than the Game of Thrones finale.

The Unwanted Epilogue crew returns after a brief haitus caused by having to attend rehab for doing too many of the fictional drugs from Law & Order: SVU. Everyone is fine and our families couldn't be happier that we're back on the right track, doing this podcast full time instead of going to our regular jobs. This time, the crew closely examined the 2012 disaster film that was based on the entirely true story of a definitely real naval engagement in the early 2000s where the US Navy faced off against crashed alien fighters in a pitched battle that strangely resembled a 1-to-1 translation of the Hasbro boardgame, Battleship. This and many more topics are avoided entirely in this return to form by the idiots who may or may not have watched this movie.

The crew talks about the Star Trek film that killed the franchise for awhile. Not the one with the purple space bazooka. Not the one where Picard meets fat Kirk on a rock planet because of time travel. Not the one where Picard murders a crew mate that gets infected by the borg even though he knows for a fact that people can be cured of borgism (he was once a borg and then he got better because of a vision board Warf helped him make.) This is also Tom Hardy's first film and the one he will be most fondly remembered for other than Venom (which is a timeless classic.) In it, he plays Dr. Evil. No, seriously. He is just straight up doing a Dr. Evil from Austin Powers impression. Probably worth watching just for that. In this episode about Star Trek: Nemesis, we talk Cardi B, our love for all things Trek (except these fucking TNG movies), and how many dongs some of the aliens have. I think we also talked about the movie we watched this time. Whatever. I hope they get all the old cast back together and make a 3 h

After a long, ayahuasca induced hiatus, the crew returns to the scene with a surprise: we watched a good movie that everyone liked! Find themselves in dire need of a break after the onslaught of garbage they normally subject themselves to, they opted for a comedy that was so good, Roger Ebert gave it one whole star! We discuss that, why everyone on earth should have their own theme music, and MORE on the latest Unwanted Epilogue.

Part 2 of our series documenting the worst Horror sequels: Once in a generation, a film comes along and teaches us all that it's okay to be weird. Diary of the Dead is not that film. You might say the unwanted epilogue "found" some footage of a "zombie apocalypse" if you were being generous. If you were not being generous, the gang gathered around the PS4 and tried to watch George A. Romero's first-person youtube video he forgot to upload before he died (it was a year ago so we can say this joke). He also forgot to hire actors, write a script, hire Tom Savini to do the zombie make-up, and take his medication on the day of filming, but somehow this movie made it to blu-ray. Somehow, we also bought it. We don't remember doing that, but that isn't really special or notable. We own six copies of Minions because one of us loves the little bastard that says 'banana' and none of us possess object permenence.

Part 1 of our series of horror movie sequels that make us wish john carpenter would turn all of us into head crabs: You scream, I scream, we all scream for Scream 3. This movie was basically like getting CTE in one night without spending a decade getting your skull caved in playing professional football or getting kicked in the soft part of your head by horses. There are actors in it. There's a killer. Who killed the people? Why would he or she do that? Also, who *cares*? I guess there's more of these movies but we're not going to watch them. Next episode is diary of the dead I think, but we can't even remember watching the movie or if we saved the recording.

Sometimes, the cruelest intentions are the ones we have for ourselves and the ones we love. Other times, you just want to have sex with your teacher to get out of gym class. These movies were mostly the latter, although there was a lot of internal family love (incest) and internalized (and externalized) feelings of sociopathy. Strap in and strap on, because the Cruel Intentions trilogy is here to teach your children how to get away with everything, up to and including murder (but in a sexy way).

Valerian and the title I'm tired of typing was a movie. There were some actors in it. I guess we watched it awhile ago and recorded about it. I don't remember actually seeing it or talking about it, but there does seem to be evidence here that it happened. If you see the person that edits these things, kick him in the shins because that guy is lazy. Seriously though, fuck that guy. Instead of watching the movie, just watch the opening scene on youtube and then play with some ninja turtle action figures and you've pretty much got it. Trigger Warnings: School shootings, bad french accents, pornography (tentacles)

2018's surprise sleeper hit (in the nads), Deep Blue Sea 2: Deeper, Bluer Sea, arrived on the scene in April and the Unwanted Epilogue crew was forced into action. The first possibly relevant, somewhat timely podcast they've ever released, this foray under the sea was fraught with danger. Mostly the mental kind--the sort that leaves lasting psychic damage. Nevertheless, they persisted and watched the sequel nearly twenty years in the making that belongs in a landfill.

Netflix spent 90 million dollars to take cinema to the next level for Bright, the 2017 smash hit that proved once and for all Will Smith still owes Xenu a hell of a lot more money. This episode asks the tough questions: Centaur cops--what? If Shrek exists in the world of Bright, wouldn't it have been a completely different movie? Why is LA exactly the same as it would be in our present time except with Ork graffiti? All this and more on the 15th episode of whatever this podcast is called. Opening song credits: 80s Cop Show by Twin Musicom (twinmusicom.org)

Auteur German filmmaker Uwe Boll released perhaps his finest work with In the Name of the King: A Very Long Title; A Dungeon Siege Movie, starring Jason Statesman as "farmer", Raytheon Liottatron as "a wizard", Matthew Lil'yard as "prince fail son" and Bort Raynolds as "the King". Their party forgot to bring a healer so it doesn't go well for them. You will need to give yourself a concussion before you watch this movie. And probably another one before you listen to us talk about it.

Back after a flu-induced hiatus, the Unwanted Epilogue crew comes out firing on all cylinders with an episode that definitely should have been behind some kind of paywall. Not because it's good, but because it's so incredibly not safe for work that there should be some monetary barrier to entry before you can listen. Trigger warning: absolutely everything. This is definitely the most offensive episode so far, with the crew tackling the seminal 2003 smash hit starring True Detective, the Dinklebot, one of the spice girls, and Gary Oldman in the role of a lifetime.

The crew dropped real money to see a movie in that dying institution known as Ye Olde Movie Theatre, where $20 IMAX tickets took them on a magic carpet ride unlike any other. Oh wait, that was the trailers. They were supposed to stay and see a movie after that I guess but based on listening to them talk about it, I don't think any of them were actually present for that part. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 License

The crew opted for yet another space movie from the 90s and this time, their suffering paid off with Wing Commander (1999)! Giant cat people that live in fart ships want to eliminate humanity and for good reason--we gave birth to Freddie PRINZE Jr & Matthew Lillard, who headline this classic full motion video that Chris Roberts used to launder money offshore in preparation for stealing 100$ million via his alleged kickstarter. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 License

The crew went back to the dog-movie mines and came out with this rancid treasure: The Karate Dog, not to be confused with the Karate Kid (although they were hoping you would be confused when you saw Mr. Miyagi), stars Jon Voight (!), Jaime Pressly (!!), Andy Sandburg's sort of cousin, Randy Sandburg, & featuring Chevy Chase (!!!) as the voice of a dog so that he could afford the taxes on his underground parking garage where he imprisons budding actors and forces them to do bad improv for scale. Enjoy the final pet movie of Howl-O-Ween because the crew couldn't get through another one. Next up: Wing Commander! Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License

Instead of writing a summary for this episode, we've opted to copy and paste the description from Vampire Dog's (2012) IMDB page: _Ace is just like any other new kid at school, until his grandfather from Transylvania dies at age 96 and sends him his dog Fang. Ace soon discovers that Fang is a vampire dog - and he speaks English! Mad scientist Dr. Warhol and her bumbling assistant Frank try to capture Fang and steal his DNA in hopes of developing the latest anti-aging technology, but lucky for Ace the vampire dog manages to stay one step ahead of his pursuers. Along the way an enduring friendship forms when Ace and Fang discover that together they are unstoppable._

**Crew is online. 2.5 hours into mission, destroy the Unwanted Epilogue. Destroy all movies. DESTROY!! DESTROY!! ** It's the year 2058 and Earth is running out of everything, including money. Joey LeBlanc is drafted for a daring mission to pilot a ship to help find mankind a new home, beat the terrorists, and get laid. Unfortunately, he'll have to go across space and time to prove he's not the Chad that Heather Graham thinks he is (he's a total Chad, she was right to worry). There's also a stupid family on the ship and everyone gets Lost... in Space. Some other shit happens and then alien spiders. This movie sucked. Opening music for this episode licensed and approved by Dl-Sounds.com

A star-studded cast headlines this Titanic flop from 1979, a sequel to the beloved disaster film the Poseidon Adventure, from 1972 (the one where Gene Hackman falls into a pool of fire whilst shouting angrily at a God who has clearly forsaken him). The crew ate their vegetables this time, viewing both so-called films back to back, one rapidly succeeding the other, and found themselves regretting every choice in life that led them to this point. opening song credit: © borborygmus music, January 2012

The crew found themselves in a night full of harsh judgements, where one wrong move could end in death, dismemberment, and bad puns shouted at you by Tommy Gavin. Judgement Night (allegedly) came out in 1993, though we were unable to find evidence that anyone actually saw it in a theater. Editor's Note: The audio in this one is rough due to unforeseen problems and foreseen problems (alcohol). About halfway through recording, the audio became unusable. Rather than scrap the entire episode, we decided to just add in some clips from a commentary for the movie that we recorded as a test. So when you hear the outro, keep listening for some of the better jokes we forgot to tell on the actual podcast. We promise to do better next time.

Charlie Sheen's moistest performance, possibly ever! Not to be confused with the 2016 science fiction film that was probably pretty okay to amazing when compared to this similarly titled "film", The Arrival (1996) features scientist Zane Ziminski on his quest to prove that aliens took all his money and forced him to admit in open court that he (allegedly) has sex with hookers.