This Is Not What I Ordered

Melinda Laus has always felt “different.” From her earliest memories, she struggled with asthma, allergies, and feeling like her body just worked differently than other bodies did. After working throughout childhood and adolescence to get her asthma and allergies under control, she thought she had her body somewhat “figured out.” When she experienced the tragic loss of her husband when she was 32, however, Melinda’s body went into a tailspin.   It took about 2 years after her husband’s death for her to be diagnosed with hypothyroidism and adrenal exhaustion. Since then, she’s been on a path to embracing her grief, exploring the power of rest, and accepting the ebbs and flows in her energy.   In our heartfelt conversation, Melinda and I cover grief, trauma, change, isolation, and the permission to feel deeply. Melinda shares some incredible insights with me, including how she navigated the “grief within grief” after her husband’s death and her diagnosis — from grieving family lasagna dinners to accepting that

In this episode, I’m joined by Andy McLellan, a haiku poet and trainee Zen priest living in Canterbury, UK.   Nearly 25 years ago, when Andy was in the midst of obtaining his PhD, he began experiencing symptoms he assumed were associated with stress. Shortly after graduating, however, he came down with glandular fever and collapsed, never fully recovering.   Over the next 20 years, Andy would receive a diagnosis of myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME) and navigate an entirely new learning curve: how to organize his life in a way that would allow him to balance his chronic illness and start a family.    Despite knowing the signs and symptoms and understanding that he would need to slow down and take care of himself, he suffered a major crash 5 years ago which has caused him to be largely confined to his bed.   However, that doesn’t stop Andy from finding joy in the simple things: squirrels right outside his bedroom door, knitting, writing beautiful haiku poetry. It’s evident throughout our chat that Andy has not all

Dealing with an invisible health challenge can be beyond frustrating. But what happens when a traditionally invisible illness becomes manifest? And how do we cope with the visual symptoms of our conditions? That’s what I’m talking to Lashana Taylor about on this episode of This is Not What I Ordered.    Diagnosed November 2018 with primary progressive multiple sclerosis, Lashana finally had an answer to her declining health. With the diagnosis came relief, but it also threw into light some of her own challenges: with how she saw herself and how she allowed others to show up for her.   During this interview, I talk to Lashana about how much she’s grown over the last year, how she’s treating her MS, and the milestones and lessons she’s gained along the way. We also get really honest about how health challenges of all shapes and sizes affect our inner and outer worlds, essentially by holding up a mirror to ourselves and others.    My favorite guidance from Lashana during our chat? Vulnerability isn’t weakness. P

In this episode, I’m joined by Michelle Horton, a close friend and fellow therapist.   In the middle of finishing grad school and planning a wedding, Michelle went in for a routine blood test, which showed an abnormally high platelet count. After this finding, a whirlwind of tests and doctors determined that she had essential thrombocytosis and endometriosis. She was 23.    After that, Michelle had to learn how to stand in the uncertainty that her new diagnoses brought with them. Could she have a regular life? Could she have children? Ten years later, Michelle is working as a licensed therapist and is a mother to her 19-month-old son.    There have been definite struggles over the last decade, she shares, but she’s learned a thing or two along the way (some of which she shares with us in this episode). She has an inner light that her health challenges haven’t diminished and, if anything, have only made stronger. During our chat, Michelle walked me through some of the tools she’s used over the last decade to s

On this week’s episode, I’m bringing back the Couple’s Edition of This is Not What I Ordered to share an intimate and insightful discussion with Shane and Latasha Doyle. Latasha (who you may remember from Episode 53) and her husband Shane joined me in my own living room to talk about their life together. As many of you know, Latasha is the shownotes and transcription writer for the podcast. And as you’ve found out from her previous episode, she also lives with Marfan syndrome, a connective tissue disorder. This condition affects her daily life in ways that also affect her marriage with Shane. Because of the nature of her condition, Shane and Latasha have to be open about death, illness, and what they really want from life… which isn’t always easy. I’m so thankful to have been witness to their connection, and to be able to share the conversations they have with each other. This conversation offers such beautiful insight into the relationships we all have as we live with our own health challenges, and about t

This week on This is Not What I Ordered, I am so excited to share my recent chat with a very special guest: Latasha Doyle. Latasha owns her own copy and content writing agency, but she’s also the resident show notes writer here on the NWIO Team. She has Marfan syndrome, a connective tissue disorder, and opens up about her experience living with this condition her whole life. Latasha brings her humor and her honesty to the table, and talks candidly about echocardiograms, being “out” with her condition, and how she’s learned to embrace her quirks (read: a passion for productivity tools and schedulers) to help her balance health, work, and life. This was such a fun conversation, and Latasha’s advice about interrupting social narratives really spoke to me. As a community of people living with health challenges, we internalize so much about what it means to be “healthy” or “normal,” and Latasha shared her process for working through it.  She also shared how her chosen family — her husband and her friends — are

In this episode, I am so excited to share my chat with Natalie Enright, an Adult Services Librarian living in San Francisco.    Natalie, who has multiple sclerosis, was first diagnosed in 2010. She attributes her early diagnosis to her husband. After seeing a decline in Natalie’s health, he encouraged her to go to the doctor without making her feel scared or overwhelmed, for which she is so thankful. Since her initial diagnosis, Natalie has not only worked to figure out how to manage and navigate her disease, but to also find the humor in the not-so-pleasant changes that come with MS.    During our talk, Natalie discussed how her attitude plays a large role in how she gets through some of the tougher times with this condition. Two of her passions, meditation and physical activity, have also helped her to stay upbeat and focused on her goals; one of which was to graduate and start her career as a librarian. Now, as a professional librarian, her excitement for her career is palpable, and I have so much admirati

This week, I’m talking to Mike Bajrami, a tech and audio agency owner living in the Los Angeles area. During our discussion, he shares his unique perspective on pain, serving others, and embracing interests. His health journey starts back in 2003, when he received a lower back injury while playing basketball.    His lumbar area injury would eventually morph into a spine disc injury, damage to multiple vertebrae, a shifted pelvis, and debilitating pain. He has also dealt with leaky gut, food allergies, skin reactions, and more, all stemming from his initial injury. But for Mike, one of the most difficult elements of this injury was the mental challenges he would face. Following his injury, Mike faced a deep depression, a “darkness,” as he put it. For three years, Mike struggled with both his injury and the effects it had on his spirit.  As happens to many of us in this community, this period brought more than pain: it also brought Mike to his true passions. Working first as a freelance audio producer and then

In this episode, I’m joined by Melissa Platt as she shares the story of how her challenges with hearing loss taught her to truly listen. Melissa is a clinical psychologist and therapist who specializes in helping people heal through complex trauma so they can thrive, and has been living with progressively deteriorating hearing loss since 2010. Her health journey has taken her through many different shifts over the years, including the realization that the track she was on was no longer making her happy. Melissa decided to make a change and pursue her joy, leaving her job as a researcher to open a private practice where she has more space for the reflection and introspection she was craving. As Melissa was going through these major shifts in her hearing loss journey, she started listening to the NWIO podcast and found a community and message she could really resonate with. I had the pleasure of connecting with Melissa through the Shine Your Light mastermind earlier this year, where she tapped into this communi

In this episode, I’m joined by Sherry Espinosa for an insightful and full-hearted discussion about how she got more comfortable with her health challenges and started letting faith guide her journey. I met Sherry through the Shine Your Light mastermind I hosted earlier this year, where she conquered her fears and stepped back into the world to build authentic relationships with others. Over the course of her health journey, she’s undergone a major shift from searching for all of the answers to realizing that the answers were inside of her the entire time — all she had to do was stop fighting and learn to love her own heart.Living with Multiple Sclerosis and low vision, Sherry bravely opens up about the ups and downs of her winding health journey. She’s had to process multiple rare diagnoses from an early age, eventually losing most of her sight after years of medication and surgeries. During the process, she learned that by denying the pain and anger she was feeling, she was also denying a part of herself. Wh

For this episode of Not What I Ordered, I’m joined by my amazing music editor and close friend, Lily Sloane. Lily is a therapist, composer, audio producer, and host of a weekly advice show with a deep passion for making the world a better place through self-healing. Learning to live with and accept her health challenges through therapy has helped her find comfort in the unknown, which she then channels into her own practice. By tearing down the notion of “perfect health”, Lily is able to help her clients -- and herself -- open the door to gratitude.Lily shows true vulnerability as she opens up about the shame and dogma attached to chronic illness, as well as how she learned to live with her illness without needing to know what it is. She also shares how therapy has taught her to accept where she is on her health journey instead of where she’d like to be -- or where anyone else expects her to be! By transforming her perspective, Lily was able to change her inner narrative, shed her need to fix everything, and

In this episode of This Is Not What I Ordered, I’m joined by Sheryl Chan — a web developer, writer, and travel enthusiast living with multiple chronic illnesses. Suffering from a mild stroke at the age of 14, Sheryl was diagnosed with a rare blood clotting syndrome that set off a chain reaction of other autoimmune disorders including lupus, epilepsy, Sjögren’s syndrome, and a heart rhythm disorder. In the midst of her health challenges, Sheryl embraced her love of writing and started using blogs as a cathartic outlet. This eventually led to the creation of A Chronic Voice, where she’s able to raise awareness of silent disabilities and give other people with chronic illness a space to share their perspectives.By accepting her health challenges and freely sharing them with the world, Sheryl has taken the power away from her illness and reclaimed it as her own. She reminds us that acceptance doesn’t mean you’re giving up — it can be a powerful opportunity for transformation and inner growth.During our time toget

In this episode, I’m joined by accomplished singer-songwriter and chronic pain survivor Stefan Alexander Weiner. Stefan lives with central sensitization syndrome, a confusing and painful condition that left him without answers and unable to perform for years. Since his diagnosis, Stefan has bravely journeyed through a multitude of doctor appointments, physical therapy, and pain rehabilitation programs to reconnect with his true love -- music. His health challenges haven’t stopped him from seeing the silver lining, though. Through his chronic illness, Stefan was able to reframe his situation, start growing his relationship with himself, and be more compassionate. As he’s moved through the trauma that his chronic illness left in its wake, he’s integrated the condition into his identity and taken ownership of it. During our insightful chat, Stefan shares how his illness has helped him be more present for the people in his life, as well as how he uses social interaction and performing to quiet the heavy question

On the Season Three premiere of This Is Not What I Ordered, I sit down with April Snow as she shares how her life-long health journey with eczema and high sensitivity has taught her how to live an authentic life without guilt. April is a psychotherapist and Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) who encourages others to embrace their own sensitive superpowers through mindfulness, self-reflection, and self-care strategies. Her experiences with chronic illness and sensitivity helped create the foundation for her psychotherapy practice, Expansive Heart, where she’s able to support other highly sensitive people as they learn to let go of self-doubt and prioritize themselves. April’s passion for self-advocacy and her ability to see the unique blessings of her health challenges is inspiring. During this episode, she opens up about how being highly sensitive has helped her understand her illness, the importance of self-acceptance in the healing process, and how she’s learned to create boundaries along the way.

For the season finale of This Is Not What I Ordered, I’d like to take a look back at the amazing guests of Season Two, share some updates from the guests on how they’re doing now, and give my State of the Podcast address as we head into the New Year. I’m also very excited to share a couple of offerings that I’ve created so we can connect on a more personal level during the show’s break.This season had so many beautifully vulnerable conversations and I’m incredibly grateful to have had the opportunity to not only interview these awe-inspiring guests but also to have made so many new friends in the process. As I reflect on this season, I want to take the time to really remember what each guest offered during their episode, share some of my favorite moments and quotes, and give my thanks and appreciation to the wonderful people (like you!) who make this show possible.I’m touched by the support, feedback, and community that has grown since the beginning of this podcast. We truly are making a difference and it all

The days are getting shorter, sunlight is scarce, and the end of the year is rapidly approaching. That’s why I want to use this episode to check in with all of you before we wrap up 2018. I also want to share a very important (and surprisingly controversial) topic that’s been on my mind: happiness. We all enjoy being happy, especially during the holidays, but the darkest time of the year can also bring some difficult emotions with it. I want to shed some light on why we feel so much pressure to be happy all the time, offer some advice on connecting with your spiritual shepherd, and really dig into our ever-changing emotions for an honest discussion on giving ourselves permission to not be “okay.” There’s something sacred about allowing ourselves to embrace those challenging emotions and truly feel them, even if it means falling apart. I’m so glad that we can use this episode as a reminder that you don’t need to be happy all of the time to embody full-hearted living. I hope you enjoy, and I hope it gives yo

Ramon Shitta is a talented Nigerian storyteller and artist who has been battling a mysterious and ever-evolving undiagnosed chronic illness for most of his life. He strives to capture the beauty in pain through his art and believes that a story can creatively manifest in a myriad of ways; whether that be cooking, painting, dancing, or podcasting.   In this episode, Ramon opens up about the isolation that comes with chronic illness and his uniquely positive views on depression. He also shares a beautiful lesson in being empathetic. We discuss his journey in seeking diagnosis and explore how his illness spurs him to continue researching, learning, and creating amidst the pain. Ramon discusses his difficulty with finding a community he can relate to while being undiagnosed and shares how reconnecting to his body has helped him find peace. You can read the full show notes at www.thisisnotwhatiordered.com

In this episode, I interview Monica Michelle, a children’s book writer, illustrator, and mother of two living with fibromyalgia and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. A passionate artist, photographer, and author, Monica is truly a woman of many talents. She now hosts the Invisible Not Broken podcast, as well as I Can’t Believe That Happened -- a history podcast for kids and curious grownups.Monica has lived with chronic illness from a young age but she’s never let that dampen her humorous and creative spirit. Embracing the impermanence of life and using her failures as lessons, she’s mastered the art of picking up the pieces and moving on without losing her core role of storyteller. Monica discusses how her lifelong struggle with chronic illness and the realization that there are no guarantees have led her to fearlessly chase her dreams. She explores how her journey has given her remarkable resilience and an unshakable faith in herself. During our colorful conversation, Monica opens up on using humor as a survival mech

Drew Althoff is a musician and songwriter, an aspiring middle school teacher, and a committed partner. Recently embarking on his journey with kidney disease, he’s learning how to integrate kidney failure into his life while finding unwavering support and joy through his relationship with his partner. Drew and I sit down for an intimate discussion on balancing the body and spirit and the impact illness has on couples, as well as how he channels his illness into creative energy through music and songwriting.Breaking his journey down into distinctive eras, Drew shares his unique perspective on embracing “the shadow” and how your spirit can keep you balanced when you’re struggling. He shows candid vulnerability as he discusses his upcoming transplant, emphasizes the importance of community and relationships, and offers insight into how he humanizes his illness through humor.Drew’s story of adjusting to a new life with chronic illness and learning to fight for happiness resonates throughout our discussion, and his

Mila Clarke Buckley is a type 2 diabetes advocate and digital storyteller who started her food blog, "The Hangry Woman," after being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and struggling to find approachable resources to help her manage the chronic condition. Her blog covers topics like diabetes management, cooking, and self-care from the perspective of someone living with type 2 diabetes. Mila’s work has been featured by GE, Social Media Today, Travel Noire, Healthline, and Let’s Get Checked.This week, I discuss affirmations and assertiveness with Mila as she shares her experience dealing with a startling diagnosis and how her journey led her to find her voice by educating others on type 2 diabetes in a relatable way. She offers a genuine look into her struggles with finding the right physician and emphasizes the vital role self-care plays in managing a chronic illness. Mila also advises on the importance of being your own advocate.During this week’s vibrant discussion, she recounts some of her personal affirmations