This Is Not What I Ordered

Today I’m joined by Brynn Saito: educator, organizer, and award-winning poet. Brynn’s latest collection of poetry, Under a Future Sky, was inspired by her visit to the Gila River in southern Arizona, the place where where her grandparents were imprisoned during World War II era incarceration of the Japanese American community. Together, we delve into that visit with her father and grandparents, and explore the family writing project that emerged from the journey. Along the way, we also discuss her personal health experience with endometriosis and fertility. In this conversation, Brynn examines the intergenerational impact of trauma and the healing power of storytelling. We discuss the Yonsei Memory Project, an initiative Brynn co-founded to honor Japanese American elders' experiences during World War II incarceration. We also focus on Brynn’s personal health journey, navigating endometriosis and fertility challenges, and the intersection between personal and collective healing. Brynn's poignant narrative invi

This week, join me for a co-hosted episode alongside returning guest, Melissa Platt. She is a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with survivors of complex trauma, and since she last joined me, has received a Ménière's disease diagnosis. In our candid conversation, we explore the complexities of living with progressive health challenges, the impact on one's identity, and the vital role of open and honest communication. Melissa's personal journey serves as a poignant backdrop for us to understand the intricate landscape of life with a chronic health condition, and together, we share insights, laughter, and a reminder that authentic connections and understanding can profoundly influence this journey. Examining the crucial themes of connection and communication within the context of chronic illness, we also shine a light on Melissa’s experiences with Ménière's disease and how she's adapting to progressive hearing loss, as well as my experiences with multiple sclerosis and personal identity. Througho

Joining me on the podcast today is our very special guest, Shideh Etaat, an Iranian-American writer. Shideh holds an MFA in creative writing from San Francisco State University and has recently unveiled her debut literary masterpiece, Rana Joon and the One and Only Now. Today, Shideh shares an emotionally resonant narrative, recounting the day of her police officer husband's traumatic brain injury and the following six years since.  Brace yourself for an impactful exploration of the "grief portal," a term Shideh uses to illustrate her voyage through abrupt trauma, a journey that reconnects her with spiritual insights, acceptance, and grace. In the face of seemingly insurmountable challenges, Shideh demonstrates remarkable determination, ushering healing and transformation into her own life and the lives of those around her. The episode unfolds as an intriguing tapestry of themes, including steadfast devotion, the profound impact of grief, and the remarkable strength that arises from profound challenge. Join u

My guest this week is Michelle Irving, who combines training with personal experience to offer mentorship and coaching around career and chronic illness. A gifted teacher, and a globally in-demand speaker and writer, Michelle is driven by a mission to de-shame and transform conversations around illness. Drawing upon her extensive training in somatic therapy, cancer survivorship, and women's leadership, her life's work and living legacy are dedicated to helping individuals foster positive self-relationships amidst illness, aiming for lives filled with love, meaningful work, and empowerment. Together, we explore the complexities of chronic illness and the importance of reframing our relationships with ourselves. We also discuss maintaining hope and connection during life's uncertainties, and Michelle shares her four stages of coping with the unknown. Throughout this thought-provoking episode, we’ll explore acceptance, emotional stages of navigating illness, self-compassion, and resilience. Michelle's wisdom, st

Today I'm joined by Alison Tedford Seaweed: a Canadian consultant, author and mother who lives with hypermobile ehlers-danlos syndrome, chronic idiopathic urticaria and ADHD. Alison wrote a book called "Chronic Profit" about running a business while managing chronic pain and finds new ways to cope every day. In today's conversation, we discuss new, creative, and hilariously uplifting ways to rethink our relationships with our bodies amidst chronic illness, disordered eating, and a productivity-focused culture, as well as Alison's definition of Indigenous inclusion and her identity as a Kwakiutl First Nation member from a family of ʼNakwaxdaʼxw ancestry. There is so much depth and laughter in our conversation and I hope you enjoy the many insights Alison shares. Alison shares about her personal journey navigating chronic illness, and the complexities of dealing with body image issues. As our discussion unfolds, we reflect on life's purpose and the continuous journey of self-discovery, highlighting the profound

  In today’s special bonus episode, I delve into the topic of navigating the holidays with loved ones while dealing with chronic illness. The holiday season can be both joyous and challenging, especially when we want to connect with family and friends who may not fully understand our health challenges. In today’s episode, I discuss the importance of communication and setting clear expectations with loved ones, the power of sharing our health challenges openly, and the value of staying connected with others who understand what we're going through.  I also share my own personal experience of living with multiple sclerosis for a decade, and offer valuable insights to help you create a meaningful and fulfilling holiday season, even in the midst of health challenges. Finally, you’ll hear about my upcoming holiday workbook, A Gentle Guide to Creating Joy and Connection for the Holidays While Living with Chronic Illness and Health Challenges,  which is designed to help you navigate the holiday season more effectivel

This week, I’m joined by returning guest, April Snow. She’s a psychotherapist and author of The Empowered Highly Sensitive Person's Journal and The Mindfulness Workbook for Stress Relief. Specializing in working with highly sensitive people (HSPs), April’s compelling experience in this vocation has greatly enhanced her profound understanding of what it means to live authentically. Together, we explore the world of HSPs, discussing how being highly sensitive intersects with other aspects of our identities, along with the necessity and complexity of pursuing justice as HSPs. We explore the themes of grief, self-acceptance, the unique strengths of HSPs, and the beauty and challenges of embracing our sensitivity. You’re invited to share in these personal stories that touch upon the depth and richness of life that comes with being highly sensitive.   Episode Highlights: The nature of high sensitivity and its impact on our lives The ongoing process of embracing one's unique traits as an HSP and finding relief i

Welcome to a bonus episode of This is Not What I Ordered! I’m so excited to announce a special upcoming event. It’s called the Abundant Living Conference for therapists with chronic illness and health challenges. We will hear presentations from clinicians Celia Hilson, Amanda Pratt, Andrea Barbour, Becky Robbins, Julie Novas, Michelle Horton, Onyx Fujii, Hayley Quinn, and Emily Whitish. They’ll present topics that range from yoga and self care practices to resilience and preventing burnout. Bonus activities include a therapist social, a healing sound bath, and a special pre-conference tea tasting event. We’ve curated a very soothing weekend for you, and we can’t wait to learn and grow together.  You can register for the Abundant Living Conference at abundantlivingconference.com, or by visiting the podcast website. It’s going to be a lovely weekend, and we hope to see you there.

Welcome to the Season 3 Finale! In a year filled with COVID-19, a racial justice movement, wildfires, an election, and now the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, this has seemed like so much more than just one year. At this very important moment in time, I am so thankful that we have been able to stay connected through these episodes all along the way.   For today’s finale, we will revisit each episode over the past year, and listen to some key moments from each and my thoughts about them, as well as some updates and messages from many of our guests. I’ll also offer my thanks to all who are involved in producing the podcast, introduce you to some of these talented people, and draw the episode to a close with my ‘State of the Podcast’ address.   This season brought us so many heart-centered moments, and just as many pearls of wisdom from our guests, and I am just delighted to share them once again. Thank you all once more for being a part of this remarkable community – as you will hear repeatedly today, it has come

Podcasting has brought so much to my life, both as someone who loves hearing others’ stories and as someone who wants to learn from the experiences of others. Hearing an array of experiences is what makes This is Not What I Ordered so powerful to me, and to listeners, as well.   Today’s episode touches a bit on how podcasting is a form of therapy — both for the hosts, the guests, and the listeners. It also combines conversations about podcasting, chronic illness, and life in quarantine with two past guests: Monica Michelle and Courtney Brame. This conversation is full of fun banter and deep, powerful conversations.   What I appreciate most about this conversation is that Monica and Courtney don’t shy away from sharing their own experiences during the pandemic, as well as prior to the pandemic. It’s so important to see how we all experience life through the lenses of our chronic conditions, as well as through our human lenses. I hope you find this conversation as refreshing and insightful as I did.

Today’s episode marks the second part of my conversation with relational therapist, social justice educator, intuitive narrative coach, and social justice consultant for the podcast, Celia Hilson, which we started in Episode 66. As we find ourselves in the midst of a racial justice movement and a pandemic, this special conversation about race is as enlightening as it is necessary. We begin this week’s episode by talking about the nutrients of intergenerational legacy, Celia’s experiences with White women, and my understanding of internalized dominance. Celia shares her hopes for the current focus upon race, injustice, and equality, and we explore how the killing of George Floyd reignites so many past traumas. We conclude our conversation by looking at the complex layers of the construction of race, class, and division, the interplay of oppression, defensiveness, privilege and healing, and the concepts of conscious relationship and undefended loving. World events have rendered this time in history as one ripe

This week I'm sitting with Celia Hilson, who's returned to the podcast after joining me on Season 2 (Episode 28). Celia is a relational therapist, social justice educator, and intuitive narrative coach fostering cross-cultural understanding. She helps clients to heal through remembering and reclaiming lost parts of identities. Celia has joined me over the past few months not only as my friend, but as someone who I recently hired as a social justice consultant for the podcast. As you know, we've been in the midst of a racial justice movement, and in the midst of a pandemic, all that the same time. It's been a really challenging, powerful period for our world. During this time, Celia and I recorded a special conversation talking about race. We created a two-part series of episodes, and this is part one of that conversation. In this week's episode, Celia and I explore the origins of our relationship as friends and social justice educators, and how our racial identities impact how we relate to one another and to

We’ve had couples on the podcast, we’ve had reunions, we’ve had “quarantine chats.” This week, I’m bringing you a friendship “roundtable” with the lovely Sherry Espinoza and Melissa Platt. You may recognize those names because they’ve both been on the podcast before — but not like this. This episode is a lighthearted and sweet chat amongst friends. Sherry and Melissa, who met in the Shine Your Light Mastermind, have become fast friends, and I loved digging into their connection during our chat. We talked about our symptoms, shelter-in-place, cacti, and cats, as well as the mythology of our symptoms. Their friendship is beautiful, but so are their insights on navigating health challenges, quarantine, and life in general. This conversation left me with a “full cup,” and I hope it fills yours, too.

In this week’s episode of This is Not What I Ordered, I’m taking you along for a little reunion. I recently caught up with Erynn & Leo Newman, who are “frequent flyers” here on the podcast. Leo, who was a guest way back in Episode 11, and his wife Erynn, were the first couple interviewed for the podcast in Episode 32. Married for over 14 years, they’ve weathered their fair share of challenges. I recently checked in on them to see how they’re navigating this new challenge (the current pandemic). In this reunion episode, we talk about Leo’s chronic health struggles and how they’re managing COVID-19 shutdowns as a family. As always, Leo and Erynn share their vulnerability and strength, and their love for one another. We discuss pre-COVID memories, grocery shopping and protective measures they are taking to protect Leo, and their seven-year-old son Hudson even joins us for the end of the episode. This conversation reaffirmed for me that we are all in this together, and that you can still make connections with

Today’s episode is a bit different than most of the ones you’ll hear on This is Not What I Ordered. Instead of an interview with a single guest or couple, I was able to connect with Lily Sloane and Latasha Doyle, two of the people on our podcast team. In light of everything going on in the world, and with heightened anxiety and worry for many in the chronic illness community, we decided to discuss how we’re navigating this uncharted territory. While grief, anger, and concern over our own health and safety were all discussed, we also talked about the beauty that has come from self-isolation.  Each of us shares a bit of our struggles, as well as what we’re really thankful for in times like this. We also talk about how these events are elevating our experiences with our bodies, and calling us to really turn to the tools we’ve already built up to take care of ourselves.  I know that many of you are trying to process the effects of this pandemic in your own life, and I hope this conversation shows you that you’re

Coming to terms with chronic illness is something we’re all trying to do. Kristina Sarkisova is on the podcast this week talking about her journey to acceptance, and what the process has looked (and felt) like.    Her diagnosis of Lyme disease was a long time coming, and even now she’s not entirely sure it’s the perfect fit for her specific symptoms and situation. But it’s enough for her. So many of us can relate to the need for a diagnosis — just to have something explained. Unfortunately, many of us don’t have that. So how can you be “OK” with the unknowns?   Kristina speaks about navigating that uncertainty, as well as what it feels like to grieve the changes that take place in your life. She also spoke about the struggle between identifying as a person with disabilities and a musician, when she hasn’t been able to practice her musical talents recently. There’s a push and pull there we can all relate to — who we were and what we wanted for ourselves before and what we do now.    This is a great conversatio

This was such a special conversation with Ijmal Haider (of “Hidden Spoons” and the “Help Us” YouTube channel). Having lived with Ulcerative Colitis for several years and spearheading many events, projects, and organizations geared towards supporting people with chronic illness, he is the definition of an awesome patient advocate.   Together, we chatted about some of his challenging moments that have led to the illumination of what’s truly important to him: honesty, medical care that gives him access to a better quality of life, communicating well with his body, and connecting with others living with chronic illness.    These days, he’s all about lifting up the people who have helped him along the way by sharing their stories, and being a support to other folks with health challenges.

On today’s episode, I’m joined by Dr. Monica Ellis-Blied, a licensed psychologist, health coach, and chair yoga instructor living in California.   In 2012, Monica was diagnosed with lupus. Over the last eight years, she has come to terms with the idea that the word “healthy” is not a one-size-fits-all term. She also reminds us that it’s OK to throw pity parties (complete with balloons and German Chocolate Cake, when the occasion calls for it).    The way she speaks about her diagnosis, her work, and her family are a true testament to her giving nature, and her willingness to face down the challenges that come with having her condition.   You’ll notice, in this episode, that Monica has a way about her that is both refreshing and inspiring. She sees her chronic illness diagnosis as a blessing, one that has helped her slow down, to find joy in the little things, and pay attention to what truly matters. I think her insights are something we all need to hear.