Trust The Bachelor Process

Sarah and Alex will return with new episodes on May 8th!

Well, we made it you guys, and in the words of Chris Harrison… “that. was. wild.” And now is the time we come together to dissect every press appearance, research every social media post, and speculate if these people are actually in love, or lying to us all. One thing we know for sure, Colton is definitely no longer a virgin because no real human could hide the shame of de-purifying yourself on national TV. Whatever happens, we just hope Colton and Cassie can find love within themselves. And until that happens, at least we have Hannah Beast to hold us over with what could possibly be the most awkward season in Bachelorette history. We’re off for a few weeks but Cassie, if you need help while we wait, please give us a sign. Cheers!

It happened! It really, really happened! It’s. Fence. Time babyyy, and life will never be the same. Luckily Jackie Durruthy joined TTBP to discuss it at length, along with the devastating break up that shook us more than the infinite Peter/Rachel debacle. Lines were crossed, things were said, tears were shed, and father across the nation were flying to Portugal to stop their daughters from making huge mistakes. Now all we can do is wait. Will Colton make it back over the fence? Will he learn to love himself? Will Matt Randolph ever give his blessing? Thank god for Demi to help us through these trying times.

It’s hometown week which means it’s time for Colton to lie to at least three fathers about wanting to propose marriage to their daughters.  Luckily, for humanity’s sake, they all respond as if Colton were crazy. Where are the mothers in this equation?  Who cares!? Their opinions don’t matter. Shane Lennon (Playing Favorites Podcast) joins us this week to talk bread etiquette, bikini-pant combos and whether or not it’s appropriate to slow dance in the dark whilst your girlfriends childhood home movies play in the background. We’re so close to the fence jump. We can feel it.

We’re winding down to hometowns, and just as Coach Dad predicted, things are starting to get hard for him. Alex is joined by TTBP fav Mike Levin (Rights to Ricky Sanchez) to discuss Colton’s week of chaos. As the number of women dwindle, the true identities of the “not readies” are revealed. They are none other, than Cassie and Caelynn. Colton is hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray.

We’re in Vietnam and before we go even ONE step further, we’re going to need WHOEVER it is that is not ready for marriage to reveal themselves IMMEDIATELY. Thank you, now please enjoy this week’s TTBP joined by guest Will Roth (Abby’s)! There is a lot going on this week between Cassie’s other reality TV show, Hannah B’s ninja moves (how dare she), and queen Demi being punched in the face, but somehow, we get through it.

The Bachelor has landed in Thailand, and may we be the first to congratulate Heather on the most well thought out, planned, first kiss of all time. It’s always nice to see someone achieving their goals. Luckily, Alyssa Litman was able to join TTBP this week to dissect it all and solve the mysteries from this episode. Like, what is the real meaning behind Elyse’s foot tattoo? Is Hannah B okay after eating all those bugs? And WHAT. THE. %*#$ happened to Kirpa’s chin?!

It’s an emotional week in Bachelor Nation as the women open up about hardships in their past. All snark aside, Caelynn and Colton’s discussion around assault was meaningful, brave and important.  All snark back on the table, has Courtney never watched a season of this show before? Alex and Sarah are guest-less this week as they discuss proper bungeeing etiquette, Colton’s aversion to humor and Hannah G’s BRILLIANT take on “opening up.”

It’s the second week and tensions are high, feelings have been caught, and the pageant dresses are comin’ off… and being replaced by new pageant dresses. Colton has yet to gain a real personality, but we quickly get over that the moment he takes his shirt off. Have you seen those muscles?! As connections grow deeper, it becomes clear who Colton has his eye on, and who he wishes to drown in a pool and never see again.

The season is finally in motion, and we know that because Colton is using camera selfies as his primary mode of exposition to tell us. Fortunately for the audience, the show is jam-packed with the country’s best comedians. Unfortunately for the comedians, none of the women know who they are. Jackie Gonzalez Durruthy joins us this week to compare and contrast Colton’s good decisions (Not kissing Heather!) with his bad ones (Giving into Demi’s Robe Schtick!).

It’s night one of Colton’s season of the Bachelor and the women have come ready to play! They’ve brought butterflies, they’ve brought costumes, they’ve brought more virginity jokes than we ever thought possible!

We back, baby! Sarah and Alex have come out of hiding just in time for the inevitable dumpster fire (Dean’s words) that will be Colton’s season of the Bachelor! They prepped and ready to give the people what they want...a Fantasy draft based on their unsubstantiated takes! They are joined by comedian Mike McLendon who helps them sort through which women will most likely be able to tolerate his virginity.

What. A. Summer. Luckily, Ruthie Holmes (Truth or Dare) joined TTBP this week to relive it all! Can you believe it’s over? Honestly, thank god. But also, it was the best. Followed by the most stressful 48 hours of our entire lives!! Bekah is pregnant, Amanda is arrested, and Chris R and Krystal are likeable now?! Paradise has a way of bringing out the best in people.. unless the producers turn you into a villian. Unfortunately, Jenna didn’t need any help showing off her evil side.

We’re nearing the end of our Paradise summer and things are even more messed up than usual. First Colton is the new Bachelor, then Kevin has to watch his ex-girlfriend get engaged right before his eyes, next Shu is a witch, and now Venmo John might be without a makeout buddy this week?! The human heart can only handle so much.

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Please welcome to the stage… Grocery. Store. BITCH. And then Leo threw his drink, moment was over, and we’ve all moved on. Which seems to be a common theme in season of the Bachelor. This week, TTBP was joined by the wonderful Will Roth (Abbey’s) to discuss the ups and the downs, the twists and the turns, and the new strategies for schoolyard bullies. The tides are changing in paradise and no one seems safe - except for Venmo John shockingly.

It’s week 3 in Paradise and things are getting awkward for pretty much everyone but Neysha. No one knows which way is up, who goes down, what’s in a name - you get it. They are a group of people who cannot make up their minds. That’s exactly what we said. Now unfortunately TTBP is starting to lose faith in most of their paradise companions, but as long as we have nice Kenny, we know we’ll be okay.

Another sunny week in paradise and to our surprise, all the couples have already swtiched. It’s hard to keep up with this weaved web when everyone involved is pretty hard to watch in the first place. Nevertheless, we followed as best we could and found some of our past villains aren’t as bad we thought. And the only thing we have to say to that is, JORDAN, HOW COULD YOU?!

Knock on heavens door, and what do you fine? All of our fav (and some un-favs) from Bachelor Nation looking hot on a beach other! That’s definitely our version of paradise, and this first week had us reaching for more. The gang’s all here and already pretty coupled up. We even have two love triangles in the first day! Our paradise start to open up about their pasts, but we still have so many questions that need to be answered - Who will Tia choose? Does she even have a choice? Will anyone get engaged?

Bachelor-loving couple Mike Levin and Alyssa Litman join us to unpack the finale as well as the entirety of Becca’s season. We comb through all the fine details in order to get answers to our bigger questions. Examples include: What does Garrett’s Mom’s lamp say about the longevity of their relationship? And how long was the pause between Blake saying “I’m crazy” and “about Becca.” Becca picked a subpar man, but did she do it for the greater good of America?

It’s that time of year when all the men return to a shared space and (un)confidently flex their masculinity! Only this time they’re kind of on their best behavior? And do a good job showing compassion towards one another? When did everyone on this show become so sympathetic!? Mike McLendon joins us to discuss Jason’s unofficial Bachelor audition, Jordan’s pre-show rewrites and (throwback) Brit Nilsson’s amazing hair.