Conversations About Divorce

Nobody likes to talk about their debts and it's often the hardest part of negotiations in divorce.Too often, one spouse didn't realize the extent of the debt or perhaps there's always been conflct because one party is a spender and the other is a saver. Perhaps both spouses knew about the debt but didn't really pay attention to it because, well, life was grand, the money was coming in, and borrowing for a second car or a vacation was part of the plan. It was all going to work out.But then it doesn't work out and divorce happens. That means you have to confront reality.Can the debt be paid off?Who should take which debts?Who can afford to pay back the debt?How all that happens depends on circumstances for the debt in the first place and the type of debt it is - credit card debt is different from car loan debt is different from 401(k) debt is different from student loan debt. You get the picture?Ugh. But you don't have to figure it yourself! Joining Mandy for this Conversation is financial guru, Lili Vasileff.

Compensation issues in divorce may be more common than you would expect. They often come up in connection with spousal support or alimony and when it comes to things like stock options and deferred compensation arrangements, the division of marital assets is impacted.The questions that come from different compensation arrangements are frequently confusing and complex and even the recipients often don't fully understand what they have. So if you're the divorcing spouse what are you supposed to do? How will you figure this out and how will you handle it them in your divorce?It might be tempting to ignore them or accept your STBX's position that they have no current value but that's not the answer. Do that and you'll likely end up with a divorce agreement you'll later regret or second guess.In this Conversation, we're going to tackle some of the more common challenges and help you identify the questions you need to ask.Joining Mandy for this Conversation is Michael Wayland, assistant professor of business at Met

There have been numerous studies finding that divorce increases the risk of suicide and that risk is much higher for men than for women. While the marriage maybe ending, suicide is not the outcome most people want.How do you respond if you start to discuss divorce and your spouse starts talking about suicide?What do you do if it's you whose having suicidal thoughts?And maybe even more difficult to deal with, what if your child starts to talk about just wanting to be done?Should the divorce be put on hold or do you push ahead? Is the threat of divorce reason to stay married?Joining Mandy for this important Conversation, is fellow divorce coach Martha Bodyfelt. Read more about Martha's work at her website, SurvivingYourSplit.com and sign up for Martha's free divorce survival guide.Important resources for suicide prevention: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline,  Suicide.org, Veterans Crisis Line and Man Therapy.Visit mandy's blog at SinceMyDivorce.com for a synopsis of this show and more guidance on coping with

Whether you are using attorneys or not, to get started on your divorce, you will have to gather all of your financial information and share it with your spouse (and vice versa). Many people, inadvertently skip this step and jump straight into discussions about who's going to keep the house and how other assets should be divided. That's not smart and it can lead to deadlocks and breakdowns in the negotiations. You'll also be making life-changing decisions with incomplete information.Yet, when people do start gathering this information, frequently it's overwhelming and confusing so they put it off and procrastinate.The reality however is that the sooner you do this, the better it is for you. You'll have a much more accurate assessment of the financial impact of divorce on your lifestyle, you'll have more clarity, more certainty and be in a better position to make the decisions that are right for you.So what financial information are we talking about? Where do you start? How do you value different assets? And wh

The new tax bill has lots of changes that impact people getting divorced and while there's been plenty of media coverage of the changes, that coverage has been short on the divorce related details and specifics such as the tax year in which changes take effect or reminders about changes that will revert in 2026.Understanding these changes is important for anyone negotiating a divorce settlement and especially important if you started those negotiations last year. What makes this even more critical is that most of the time, once your settlement agreement becomes a court order, you are done. There are no do-overs and your STBX is not going to renegotiate something just because you didn't understand the impact of the new tax law.Thankfully, we do not have to wade through the bill itself to learn about the changes. We can turn to experts for that and one of those experts is Michael Wayland, assistant professor at Methodist University who is also a mediator. Wayland has written a white paper on the impacts of the

Businesses come in all shapes and sizes. If the business is making money, then it's pretty obvious that there's going to be a discussion about how that business should be valued and divided in divorce and there's rarely one answer to that.If the business isn't making any money, then a common mistake is thinking that it can be ignored. It can't. You may still need to discuss compensation for the startup expenses and you'll definitely want protection from future debts and liabilities.Joining Mandy to discuss this complicated area is Chicago-based divorce adviser, attorney, mediator and coach, Karen Covy. Karen has a free divorce toolkit available for download at her website.Looking for a transscript? Visit Mandy's blog for a synopsis of this conversation and more essential information to help you make the best decisions for you.

If you're working on your marriage, trying to save your relationship, then you need to create a post-nuptial agreement. The communication that goes into creating one of these agreements means that your relationship could be transformed in a meaningful and lasting way. If it doesn't create lasting change, then the agreement could make your divorce much. much easier and significantly less expensive.Joining Mandy for this Conversation is attorney Tom Gardiner, author of The Post Nup Solution: How To Save A Marriage In Crisis Or End It Fairly. (Available on Amazon) Tom is a business attorney who has created many partner and sharehold agreements which involve many hours with the parties planning out the future and how to handle what-ifs. "But with the most important relationship, the spousal relationship, people don't do that," said Gardiner. "If corporate clients can do this, why can't couples?"Listen in to learn what goes into a post-nup, how you can create your own and how it might help you in divorce. If you'r

The Holidays are tough no matter where you are in the divorce process. And while you may feel like skipping them altogether, they are hard to avoid. Everywhere you go, there's a message about the holidays that hits you - on T.V., on the radio, at the grocery store, at work, in your neighborhood, at your kid's school .... There's no escape.So what are you supposed to do? Is there a way to change your thinking and instead of dreading them, embrace the holidays so you actually have fun and enjoy yourself?Yes! And you might be surprised at how some simple strategies can shift your thinking. Joining Mandy for this Conversation is divorce coach Martha Bodyfelt. Martha is a regular contributor to Mandy's blog, Since My Divorce and has also created an online course, How To Actually Love The Holidays Again. Remember to visit Mandy's blog for a synopsis of this Conversation and previous Converations.

Pets are an integral part of daily life for many families. They're often seen and treated as family members. So when it comes to divorce, deciding what happens to the pets can be every bit as contentious as deciding how to co-parent together.While couples may want to create a plan for sharing, in the vast majority of places in the U.S. the law still treats pets as property. That means if you can't come to your own agreement, then a judge will decide what happens to the pets following the same rules that apply to other property such as a car, a lawn mower or artwork.This becomes an even harder challenge when there are children involved who see the pets as theirs and want the pets to follow the same co-parenting schedule as them, moving between two homes.And, of course, because this is divorce, there's fear and hurt feelings and pets do get used as leverage in negotiations, manipulation, and power and control.Ugh. So what do you need to know so you can craft the agreement that a judge can't?Joining Mandy for th

Almost everyone getting divorced these days goes online for help, whether that's looking for information to help avoid using attorneys or for emotional support. Nobody is relying solely on what their attorney tells them.The good news is that there is a ton of information and resources available now. The bad news is that some of these could harm you more than help you. So what are the pitfalls of going online? What are the risks? How can you tell which sources are trustworthy and dependable and which sources should you steer clear of? What are the redflags you should be watching for?Joining Mandy for this show is Gregory Frank, co-founder of Divorce Force, one of the premier online communities committed to connecting and empowering those affected by divorce. Frank is an advocate of taking advantage of everything the Internet has to offer but cautions people to be smart. "The good news is that there are so many capabilities and so much information that you can obtain online that it's a phenomenal place to start

Disagreements are normal in any relationship so you have to expect that you and your ex are not going to agree on everything. If you're not comfortable handling disagreements, knowing this might make you groan, tense up and become anxious. You have choices.You could decide you're just going to say no to everything your ex asks. That will however lead to on-going unresolved conflict which is when divorce harms children the most.At the other end of the scale, you could choose to go along with whatever your ex wants. This is more a theoretical option rather than anything that is viable.. Or, you take it step-by-step, issue-by-issue and learn how to handle the difficult conversations better.Realistically, this third option is the only meaningful choice. And there are some pretty simple techniques you can follow that will help you communicate more meaningfully and effectively.Joining Mandy to discuss these techniques are two communication experts, Leslie Breisch and Christina Jensen. Breisch is the co-founder and

The data breach at Equifax has many of us monitoring our credit score more closely now but the data breach isn't the only threat to your credit score. Divorce is a common time when many people become aware of their score and the decisions that you make leading up to the end of your marriage and in your divorce settlement can have a significant impact on your score.Coming at a time when you may be applying for a credit, such as refinancing, a car loan or a new credit card, a lower credit score could mean higher interest rates or even worse, no loan.If your spouse was financially irresponsible, is there anything you can do to protect yourself?How do you manage this transition to minimize the impact on your creidt score?And if your credit score is in the tank, how long does it take to improve your score?Joining Mandy for this episode is money blogger Samantha Gregory from Rich Single Momma where you can download Samantha's Budget Sanity Worksheet. Visit Mandy's blog Since My Divorce for a synopsis of this show a

If you and your spouse have minor children, then you're going to need a plan for how you will parent together after you're divorced and this is an area with which many couples struggle.Part of the struggle is that the concept of successful shared parenting is relatively new. While people who are getting divorced now may have parents who were divorced and experienced living in two separate homes, the shared parenting they grew up with is very different from what we see today.Another challenge is the language we use to talk about this. While courts are now using concepts of decision-making and parenting time, divorcing parents are still taking about sole or primary custody without realizing what these terms may really mean or that they are out-dated.Not knowing what's typical these days or what works, divorcing parents turn to attorneys who can make the process more adversarial than it needs to be.The good news is that there are strategies and techniques to avoid an unwanted, unintended, damaging and expensive

Sharing your child's expenses with your ex post-divorce can be a minefield on so many levels. It leads to disputes over what expenses should be incurred, what should be shared, what's the fairest way of sharing them, how to get reimbursed and on it goes ....It can also fuel competition between parents with each parent having their preferred activity or their philosophy on what their child needs for school and and how much to spend. That competition is rarely good for the child.It's easy for one parent to feel they're carrying the responsibility for these expenses especially when the reimbursements don't come. The debts accumulate and that can mean having to go to court to collect which is never fun.One key to managing the conflict is planning ahead and including some solid agreements in your divorce papers but to do that, you have to first know what to expect. Joining Mandy for this Conversation is family law attorney Alan Plevy from the law firm SmolenPlevy in Virginia. Alan has been practicing family law fo

Dividing up your household items in divorce can be contentious, plain awkward and anything in between. In most situations, attorneys will tell you that it isn't worth fighting over this and even if the legal folk tell you to value everything at what you could sell it for on CraigsList, it doesn't mean deciding who gets what is easy.These Conversations are riddled with emotions and hidden meanings. Quite aside from concerns about equity, some items are just plain difficult to let go. And what you don't take, you may have to replace which adds to the expense of splitting up.One reason this is so challenging is that like so much else to do with divorce, we just don't know how to do it. There are now however companies and services that can help make this task much easier. Joining Mandy today is David MacMahan, founder of Fairsplit. Listen in as MacMahan shares his personal and professional advice on how you can minimize the conflict and get this done. During the show, MacMahan references some free spreadsheets av

A fundamental part of the American political scene is the difference between the Democrats and the Republicans and in Presidential election years it always gets intense. Look back to Bill Clinton and George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush and Al Gore, Barack Obama and John McClain and Mitt Romeny. The list goes on.What's different now though is that even now, almost nine months after the Presidential election, the divisive political climate continues and that conflict is spilling over into friendships and intimate relationships.In a recent survey from the polling firm, Wakefield Research, nearly 25 percent of respondents said they'd fought with their spouse or partner over politics since President Trump was elected. A quick look through online dating profiles will show people requesting not to be contacted if you voted for a specific candidate.So if you're a Democrat and your spouse is a Republican, is your relationship doomed? Are politics just a no-go area for you until the next election? Should a political diffe

We all want to be there for our children but what if you're not? What if you're travelling overseas and there's an event, that means you're stuck there and can't get home? What if you have a medical emergency that leaves you hospitalized, in intensive care, unable to communicate? What if the unthinkable happens and you die in a car accident?Without an emergency response plan, your child may be taken into protective custody or foster care, making an already traumatic event much worse.And while the odds of these events happening to you may seem remote, these are real risks. These are situations that all families, divorced or not need to consider and being divorced, can compound the drama.The good news is that with the courage to consider these possibilities you can put a plan in place that will make the world of difference to your child.Joining Mandy to discuss the ins and outs of a Children's Emergency Response Plan is estate planning attorney Martha Hartney. Inspired by her own two children, Martha is the cre

In this episode of Conversations About Divorce, we're talking about child custody battles.We've all read about the ugliness and painful allegations that are made in celebrity divorces and those are mainstays of many custody fights. They're always ugly, always expensive and once started, there's rarely any backtracking. Once the accusations have been made, there's no taking them back. They can't be erased.The impact these battles have can spread far and wide. The children at the center of the arguments are always exposed and involved, and friends and family members are rarely immune.There are however, times when parenting absolutely does need to be restricted for the safety of the child. So how do you know when to fight and when to settle? How can you be sure you're making the right decision for your child? Are there alternatives that are less damaging for all?Joining Mandy for this Conversation is Connecticut-based family law attorney Larry Sarezky. Larry is the author of the book Divorce Simply Stated (avail

How often have you read about someone reflecting back on their divorce, how awful it was at the time, how it wasn't their choice and yet, how they wouldn't go back to that marriage again, how much they've learned since then and how much they themselves have changed?Compare that to the person who talks bitterly about their ex, even years afterwards, the person who doesn't have a new circle of friends, doesn't have new interests and says that everything would have been OK if they hadn't gotten divorced?Two completely different perspectives - victim and survivor. The difference comes with healing from the emotional trauma and that's what divorce recovery programs are designed to do.And there are many different formats so what can you expect, when's the right time to participate and what things should you take into consideration when choosing a program?Joining Mandy for this Conversation is Zina Arinze who is based in London, England. Zina is a divorce coach and author of Reinvent You: How To Move From We To Me A

Divorce professionals say it's best to approach your divorce negotiations as a business discussion but how do you take your emotions out of it?First, let's remember why these discussions need to be more business:the legal system is not set up to resolve disagreements based on moral arguments. The judges are bound by statutes and case law. That doesn't necessarily mean that you shouldn't pursue a resolution you feel is morally right but recognize that doing so is likely going to mean increased legal expenses with no certainty of outcome. It's risky and the process for pursuing such resolutions through the court system is emotionally draining.often times decisions based on emotions are not the best long term or even short term decisions. The classic example of this is the person who is determined to keep the marital home, and does so but then finds themselves struggling every month to make ends meet with little disposable income. A more rational analysis of this during negotiations might have shown this lightly